The best things happen while you're dancing

Like most people around the holidays, I watched a Christmas movie. "White Christmas" to be specific. White Christmas is probably one of my all time favorite movies. It's true, I enjoy movies where everyone suddenly knows the song or dance steps and where romantic lovely things happen. I am a hopeless romantic, deep deep inside.

There is a song in White Christmas called "The Best Things" and it talks about dancing and romance and lovely things like that. And it made me wonder what has happened to romance. I stopped watching these sorts of movies about a year ago because I thought perhaps they were causing me to have higher expectations of life and love and boyfriends and relationships. But as I watch them I realized that there is truly something beautiful about these stories, no matter how high and lofty they are. plus watching them helps something to grow inside me to hope for romance or have faith in it again.

but here is the question: what has happened to romance? was there actually a time in life when men wooed women with dates, surprises, and the like? the pursual and chase? or were these movies larger than life in the 50's as well? i know that times change and things are different but did these times exist? the jane austen world or were things just as complicated and confusing back then?
is it ridiculous to hope for these things? do boys find it to be too much pressure to have these expectations?

of course i understand that girls want romance from boys they actually like not just from any boy. and boys do not want to be rejected by girls after putting in all that effort.

i have experienced romance in my lifetime and recognize that it does happen but in general it seems that there is a general lack of romance in the world. 1950's musical romance. weird christmas thoughts i know.

sigh

it's warm here. there are palm trees. i'm more freckled. swam in the pool outside today. had a hot tub at night and slowly walked back to our place. bike riding with my little sister. arizona sunsets. glad to be away. enjoying the break. end post now.

brains with a hint of honesty

i need a latch for my brain where i can remove it from my head and rest it somewhere else for a while. you see i tend to analyze and analyze things and they just go around and around in my brain. relational situations with people have such a strong effect on me, and most of the time I can't even figure out why they effect me like they do. people tell me to just stop thinking about it but sometimes i just can't make my brain stop. i try and do well for a while and then i get tired and give up and the thoughts flood my brain.

so my new solution is that i will just remove my brain, place it in a jar, perhaps add a lemon for freshness, maybe get a creepy light to put underneath it. and there it will rest. i can reply on my medula oblongata for a while, just breathing and heart beat for me. no thoughts. no more thinking.

i leave for arizona in three days and I don't remember the last time i felt so in need of a get away, or the last time I felt so excited to step away from edmonton for a bit. in the words of bilbo "I feel thin— sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday, a very long holiday and I don't expect to return, in fact I mean not to." now, don't worry my two readers, i will be back.

it's frustrating not being able to sort things out or heal situations. i wish i could and i think that's why i think about them so much because i figure there has to be a way to make these things all better soon. why do things have to take time and space? hmmm? i know that's the right answer, just frustrating sometimes.

but.....i think in arizona people don't have brains and I'm excited to experience this wonder just for a bit. and then when I come back I can put my brain back in and see what it has sorted out while I've been gone.

now are things as bad as they seem. probably not. there's that line from Rosie Thomas "Things will soon come around I swear, And you'’ll have it all figured out, Never really worry for a bit , Sometimes it feels worse then it really is"

But if you're feeling like me, let's both try and keep these words of Jesus on our hearts,
"Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

Scrubs

Ahhh scrubs. what a funny show. season premier last night after The Office. Definitely enjoyed it. although i was confused as to where the musical episode went last night.
Anyway....

The janitor was talking with one of the patients last night about getting JD.

Patient: "you see the problem with trying to get my JD is that I never got to do any of those things I wanted to do in life. "
Janitor: "like punching a whale?"
Patient: "no, i punched a whale. punched him right in the face."

pure gold. whale punching...does it get any better than that?

does anyone know if the janitor has an actual name or not?

peace

Lights go out

I turned the lights out in my kitchen to signal the end of the day in this house. I like shutting the lights off and then blindly searching my way to my room, one last thrill before i call it a day i guess.

i went to see my friend Simon play at a coffee shop tonight. and his music made me feel alive. it reminded me of how wonderful playing and performing music can be, it reminded me of what an awesome feeling it is to express something in song, to move people with your voice. it reminded me that playing music could be fun and meaningful, and over the past four or five years I had forgotten that. music had become this awful thing filled with stress and inadequacy. and as i watched him play i thought, "i could never be as good at guitar as he is, i could never say something as eloquently as he did just there." and then after a while i thought....maybe it doesn't matter. maybe the only thing that matters is that i just play, that i just express all the things inside of me for no other reason than to just play.

it was strange to think that it didn't matter if someone was better than me or not. i think for the last four years I have been in the mindset that if i can't do it really well or better or at least the same as someone else, then there is no point in playing. but maybe...just maybe it doesn't matter. at one point in my life i just wanted to play, i enjoyed the rush of performing and the feeling of really nailing a piece of music.

i'm not done in this thought process and it didn't make all these things i have associated with music go away. but his music made me feel alive, reminded me of joy in the past and maybe me think that maybe i could enjoy playing music again. tonight was significant for me and so i thought it worthy of a blog post.

thanks simon. and thanks to God for bringing up these pleasant memories of days gone past.

You know you live in Techonological age when....

Today in the computer lab some students were bugging each other and the culminating ultimate "burn" (as the whole class said) was,
"Yeah, well your internet at home is probably dial-up."

Rain

We watched a Nooma video entitled Rain last night at Focus. I really love those videos, I mean partly because Rob Bell is in them but also because they tell great stories.

The Rain story was about a dad and his baby boy that get caught in the rain while on a hike. The dad pulls his hood up on himself and the baby but the baby pulls his hood off. And as the rain gets stronger and the winds blow harder the baby begins to scream and scream. Until his dad takes his out of the baby back-pack and hold the baby tight to his chest and starts saying over and over and over again, "I love you buddy. We're gonna make it. Daddy knows the way home."

And he just tells the kid over and over and over again, holding him as tight as he can and running as fast as he can out of the storm. You need to see the video because I definitely don't do it justice here but that picture of God holding us tight and repeatedly saying to us, "I love you. We're going to make it. Daddy knows the way home." it was so much of what I needed to hear. An image i needed burned into my brain. Remembering that God does indeed hear the cry of his people and if holding us close bringing us through this time. And he delights in being able to carry us through that.

It was what i needed to hear last night. I'm thankful I went. I'm thankful that those Focus people that put on the service. i'm thankful that we serve a God worthy of our praise and big enough to sort things out. I woke up this morning feeling very thankful, thankful for the sunrise and thankful for coke that I will consume shortly to keep me awake today.

There's gotta be something more

That line from Switchfoot has been running through my brain this morning and many times recently. Do you ever ask yourself that? And I don't mean out of a disatisfaction with all the things God has given us, but rather....am I really living this abundant life that God has called us too. Now maybe I have too much stuff and I would be happier if I didn't. Maybe it is a ploy by the devil to keep us from serving God in our every day lives...i haven't finished Screwtape Letters yet, maybe it talks about that.

I just think sometimes that God has called me to more than I am living, you know "farther up and further in". In some sort of deeper life, something more intimate with him. And yet it can seem so nebulous at times. I'm not sure how to get there. There is always something that I can be doing more of, more prayer, more bible reading, more usefulness with my time. I recognize I am not perfect in those areas and such.

However, I just don't know quite how to get to that point. How do I run after God in this spiritual sense, it feels sometimes as if i cannot get my brain and feet to match and begin the walk.

I am encouraged when I hear of people experiencing God in a new way, that are excited about loving people. It excites me to hear it.

This life we live in God is not straight forward and often clouded in mystery but it is a beautiful thing that he calls us to. A death of ourselves and a movement ahead in the reality that we are new creations.

I guess I fall into the category of wanting to feel it, and perhaps feeling it is not an option right now.

You'll have to allow me a moment of cheezyness here but... I see my walk with God as something like riding a horse, that ultimate freedom and speed. The wind rushing by and the elation that follows. Or even like those scenes in Rescuers Down Under where they ride on the back of the great Golden Eagle. That giving up to someone else and just allowing them to carry you through endless skies. Sometimes I feel pretty heavy. And I'm not sure why.

I think that's why I love those different scenes in the Narnia Chronicles where they ride Aslan and he runs so quick over forrest, or when they ride the Unicorns or horses with such great speed and exhiliration. Those passages always stirred something inside me. I have found myself wanting to do that. And that is where you find me on a november morning.

There is something mysterious about pictures and taking them. pictures are so full of life, color and motion except absolutely still. an enigmatic quality about them and i love them. my father is a wonderful photographer and owns an old manual camera and every once and a while when I want to feel like I'm alive, when I want to feel like the world is alive, when I want to do something solitary and beautiful i pull it out and take some pictures.
taking pictures is an observers sport. you watch and wait to catch the exact moment when someone's walls or facades have dropped and they're truly laughing or not focused on themselves anymore. I want to catch those moments. I enjoy watching people, sitting in the back of a cafe and observing the people about me. sounds sort of creepy i guess. but anyway. i haven't taken film pictures in probably two years.

i think it's time i did again.

Frivolity

I know I wrote that I might end my blog but I think I am starting to find a good balance of sharing important things with people face to face. Or hopefully i am. Anyway on to the blog.



I bought lovely socks from MEC today. What a wonderful thing. It's amazing how much excitement and joy they bring me. There are millions of things in the world that one could buy but warm socks is one of the most lovely. I've recently got into knitting socks and slippers because I enjoy the idea of giving someone else warm feet. and they're super fun for sliding around on floor with.

If I was rich and had one thing to be frivolous with I think i would buy a new pair of perfect fitting socks every day. I'm sure there are other things but I enjoy wearing new socks so much. They are so tight and warm and thick. A friend of mine said he would buy doves and then have them fly out from behind him when he walked into a room. That was a pretty good one i thought.

so....what would you do if you had one frivolous thing to do with your bundles of cash?

Adendum

in regards to my blog earlier today, i want to say that I recognize that I lack some key biblical study tools, such as an understanding of Greek or something. And so I'm not sure exactly what it is that jesus says in this passage, so I am open to a clarification if someone has more knowledge than i. and i know that interpretation is a difficult thing, I just want to make sure I'm atleast starting off on the right foot. So please tell me if you have any thoughts.

Etude Biblique

i've been thinking lots these days and not writing. something is a stirring inside of me. not sure what to do with all the thoughts i have but perhaps i will put one of them up here.
i've been thinking about how we read the bible lately. about how we put things in there that aren't really there and yet we do it totally subconsciously, and how we can easily miss a little bit of a verse or a small verse because we loose concentration while we read.
okay my example for things we just put in there....is this. the story of the rich young ruler.
"Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"
"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."
"Which ones?" the man inquired.
Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,'[d] and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'[e]"
All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"
Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.
Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Okay so in this passage we automatically paraphrase it and say "well obviously jesus is saying that it's hard for rich people to get into heaven." but Jesus doesn't say anything about heaven. he talks about how it is hard for rich people to enter the kingdom of God, but Jesus talked about how he was bringing the Kingdom of God, so....perhaps.....

Perhaps jesus is saying that it's hard for people to be apart of what he is doing right now, the kingdom that exists in this world right now and not something in the future. That it's hard for rich people to be apart of what God is doing right now in the world. Now the Rich Young Ruler does talk about Eternal life, so that in our minds points to heaven. But what if Jesus' life was so radically different that the Rich Young Ruler is asking how to get this life that Jesus lives, how to get this fuller life that Jesus teaches about. And Jesus says....well....it's going to be hard to live like me if you are rich, if you aren't interested in the poor.

I feel like this doesn't make any sense, oh dear. I just think we're quick to replace words in verses with what we think is a synonym but actually skews the real intention of the passage. we need to be careful of this.

Seconds anyone?

We had a Wednesday night supper last night and I was happy to see my extended family again. It feels like a big family, lots of laughs and good conversation, people from many different places...california, B.C, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Ontario. it was so lovely to share a meal and experience something good together. there was no where i had to be, nothing that i had to do but be at the table. i would like more of life to be like that. life giving, that is what it was. whoever thought eating could be so wonderful...even for a celiac.

aqua-awesome

i've started swimming again, hoping to get my head and body in a better space or something. i think it should help. there's something healing about water.

i arrived a little too early for lane swimming and sat in the hot tub for a while and watched aqua-sizing. in the change room i was loathing the silly sport because of all the naked old women that i had to see in the change room . they're the sort of women that are...let's say...comfortable with their bodies. shudder.

anyway, i got out to the deck, sat down in the hot tub and watched the end of aqua-size class. they were cooling down and doing movements to "I hope you dance" and it was one of the most beautiful things i have seen in a while. here they are, all these regular, normal people moving in sync together to an emotionally manipulative song. lifting their hands to the sky and slowly pushing through the water.

i watched them for what seemed like a long time, but it was probably only five minutes. i looked at all their faces and realized they were all like me at somepoint, they had lived these long lives, seen many sights, had their hearts broken, laughed so hard that they cried and now they were nearer the end of their lives.

and right there in that moment, i had a sense that i could also keep going. that normal, everyday people were beautiful in their own way and that included me. i have always liked foreign films because they use regular looking people that have the odd mole or crooked tooth, whose hair might be too frizzy or not the right color. it makes the movies more powerful to see every day people living out the heartbreak, tragedy or comedy.

i'm glad i went swimming. it warmed my heart.

undecided

i haven't decided what to do about this blogging thing at this point in time. i will continue thinking about it. i guess since i am not working and puttering around life i have come to realize a lack of consistent community in my life. (and somehow that feels pathetic to admit) and yet there is this whole world of people thinking out there, writing, sharing ideas. i want to figure out what things hinder us from real community, from interacting face to face and sometimes i think blogging does that. i guess i'll just have to keep thinking about it.
thanks for all of you who commented and if some of you still have thought feel free to share them. jack...i'm excited about your coffee shop.

shalom.

Je suis finis

i have come upon an interesting thought in my own head and whilst talking to people i respect. i have come to realize that perhaps....just perhaps...i should terminate my blog. now before i get too into this concept let me explain.

there is something about blogs that is a little strange. you are excited or upset or just thinking about things and we blurt them out or perhaps you blurt them out on a blog page and there they sit. the only consolation or sharing in your excitement is someone writing a little post but it's such a faceless thing, no real hug just wishes of one.

the problem is that i like blogging. i like writing funny things out, sharing things i'm thinking about, finding funny pictures to download and use etc. etc. But sometimes i wonder.

i have thought about this crazy idea in the past and now i will put it up here. what if us edmonton blogging types got together and did a sort of live blogging type thing. you know? where we actually just planned to meet at a coffee shop and shared in person how we were doing, what we had been thinking, what books we were reading and shared our lives in person.

i have gotten some strange e-mails as of recent that I think were sent because it was easier to say in an e-mail because it can just be sent off and you don't have to see the reaction, you don't have to deal with a face....it is indeed a faceless way of communicating. And so these experiences have set in motion some wheels in my head thinking through this stuff, wondering if e-mailing and blogging is causing our world to pull farther and farther away from real interaction with people, to be avoiders and to create "communities" where we never have to actually look someone in the face and tell them how we're doing. Where we can share our pain and not actually have to admit weakness to someone else because we don't' know who is reading it. There is little interdependence in this e-mailing and blogging world and I worry that I am totally becoming apart of it. Rather than sharing interesting things with people in person i just stick it on my blog and if they want to read it they can, but we never talk about it because it's like blogging is this sort of secret world, "What is said in blog world, stays in blog world."

i have just realized my own tendancies to be much more of an avoider than i used to be, that it's easier to sit down and write it out in an e-mail or talk about it on msn rather than talking in person, and it would be easy to avoid people all together in some ways. then you never have to be actually close, you never have to say those hard to say things in person because you can just stick them in an e-mail or on a website. perhaps this is my own struggle rather than everyone else's but....

Maybe this is just rambling so comments, questions, and concerns are welcome. I mean there are those that blog from far away and it's nice to know how they are doing but then...perhaps we could call them or write them a letter, but then perhaps our worlds are full of too many people to call everyone. I don't know.... just working through something, but i like the idea of live blogging. seems like a good idea in my mind, find a cool coffee shop, sit down with your local blogging friends and talk in person.

The problem is that i like reading people's blogs and responding and writing etc. Anyway....comments?

bonneville

So guys I'm back from the Bonneville Salt Flats. What a uniquely wild experience. The car that I'm in there went 250 m/p back in the sixties and now they're trying to get the record back. It was in the movie "The World's Fastest Indian" as well. They have a 55 gallon tank of water in the back of the car to cool the engine while it runs. Gail drives it, but unfortunately the water system shut down during her run and she blew a piston and then that was it, her time in Bonneville was over.

At Bonneville you talk about cars all day. I talked about cars for five days straight, you know about air intake manifold systems, how to get more speed for each gear, pistons blowing, rear suspension, traction, conditions for highest speeds....you know regular talk for me in my world. :)

It was pretty cool to see a motorbike go 208 miles per hour. It's important that you recognize that I'm talking in miles. There was a GMC motorhome that went 102 m/h, some streamliners going 300 m/h or more, crazy mamba jamba goat carters with no roll cage or suspension going 108-130 m/h. And I even saw someone run a two toned blue van like the Tomalty's beauty. it's worth seeing, it's a great experience.

The salt is amazing and looks like snow the way it piles up underneath the cars. But it makes for a hot day with a hot utah sun shining down on you and then that same heat being reflected back on you from the glistening white surface below.

I'm really glad i went. It was a much needed break and distance from the old e-town and things that go on here.

A Salute

I haven't done a salute in a while so here we go.
Well everyone, it's official....my dad wins the Trooper Prize for last week. My father has been trying to go to the Utah Salt Flats to race his jaguar in a street car competition to join a 130 miles per hour club. He has been working away on it and then some dim-wit slowed down quickly in front of him on Whitemud and my dad rear ended him, wrecking the hood, fenders and one of the headlights. He has never been in an accident in his life before and it happens with his jag. I was following him with my car and man, oh man...it was an awful thing to see.
So, my dad decided he would still try and go and so we are waiting this morning to see if it will work. I think I might go with them if they go. Might be one of the most unique things i will do in my life, head to the Bonneville Salt Flats and see cars race all day.
My father had to get a new hood for his car and so since the hood wouldn't match the paint job on his car anyway, he decided to do a little design on his own. He looked up pictures of the union jack (which happens to be historically asymmetrical) and using a little tape and shelf spray paint from the clearance section in canadian tire, he has painted himself a beautiful hood. i had no idea it would turn out looking so good. these pictures are in the rain but you still get an idea.





If the car goes today and it if races it will be called "Rule Britannia"! So there you go. My dad wins the prize. Gets in an accident and still manages to keep the hope, producing a beautiful homemade hood. I salute you George, you are an inspiration to us all.

A Celebrity

I got to be a celebrity for a day today. I went and subbed at the school I taught at last year and it was like being the most popular girl in high school. of course that girl was 24. shoot. i found my glory too late. it was really nice that they were excited to see me. made me feel a little bit more whole than i have felt in a while.

one of the kids in the gr.6 class that i was teaching said, "Ummm..Ms. Bennett...how old are you? because you're really pretty." and then she kept calling me Ms.Pretty instead of Ms.Bennett. Gotta love the kids. they're great for the old ego.

the students i had last year kept telling me they thought i was in africa and kept asking me if I was going and when i was going to do this or that, and do these things i talked about last year. so now i feel like i must go just because of them, so i live out what i actually preached in class. it was very challenging to remember how much my presence influenced their thinking or how closely they were paying attention.

it was definitely a nice end to a tough week.

catch you on the flip side.

worm wars and nice people

Well guys I did it...something very original....i went camping on labour day weekend. and boy it was uniquely fun. I know it isn't a unique thing and there are probably hundreds of blogs being posted in the next little while that discuss someone's camping trip this past weekend but i would like to say that ours stands out among the rest.
I went camping with my two cousin married couples and jonny. we ate way too much food, played lots of cards, sat in the sun, built a dam (i'm sure you can imagine how many millions of jokes we managed to make and specifically russ managed to make over that one), sat by the fire, read our books, tried to solve the worlds problems and laughed really hard.

At one point i thought i was going to suffocate when i was laughing. i was trying to hide my hysterical laughter because eric was coming after me in the tent to destroy me in a worm war. now how could i hide from eric? well, it was completely pitch black, you couldn't see anything. he came for me and i tried to jump over jonny, landed on jonny and flopped into the pile of other people fighting it out in the middle of the tent. i haven't laughed that hard in a really long time, like couldn't control the excitement of it all, all these people coming after you and you can't see them at all, as well as adding in the awkwardness of being in your sleeping bag whilst trying to pummel people twice the size of you.

i am thankful for those people and thankful for the fact that we don't need anything to do because we can laugh and enjoy each other no matter what we are doing. i have good people in my life. i needed this weekend. it was great.

sidenote: book to read for everyone: Irresistable Revolution. Wonderful book, it will change the way you think, see the world and live. Worth a read. I'm not done it yet but it's really interesting. So if you are looking to become an ordinary radical or just looking for some definite thought provoking reading material pick it up. Irresistable Revolution: Shane Claiborne. i will write more later but it's changing something inside of me or causing something to grow that was already there.

have fun at school this week everyone. i wish i was starting up myself. shalom.

Sweaters

"But I understand that my family is like this old sweater - it keeps unraveling, but then someone figures out how to sew it up one more time; it has lumps and then it unravels again, but you can still wear it; and it still keeps away the chill."

This is taken from the book traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I will indeed find some of my own words to put on here. However, I have found myself thinking about this little quote for the past few days. It seems appropriate to speak of sweaters now that the wind has turned cold and September is upon us. Typing that out makes me sad to think that summer has come and gone. The irreversibility of the season is heart breaking somehow, to know that you cannot stop the change. That these leaves will turn a most beautiful gold and orange and fall to the ground, that people will begin school again, that things will die in order to make room for new things to grow. Every gust of wind that blows outside my window brings with it a little more cool, a little more crispness to the nights. And I cannot hold on to the summer because it has turned cold now. Summer is no more.

Perhaps I have grown sentimental as i leave my parents house. i have lived in this house longer than anyone else in my family, 18 years. But now i don't live there anymore. Seems like one should move out in spring when all the world is coming alive but i have chosen fall. The fall is beautiful, don't get my wrong. But there's something delicious about the melancholy of it all.

"Creation screams in amber and crimson that it won't be taken by death.
It stands in silent protest until icy fingers takes its voice.
Like so many before them,
In the struggle of the ages.
Yet smiling they resign knowing that resurrection lies within their smallest seed."

i guess there are lots of thoughts in this post that are not necessarily connected at all. But thanks for reading anyway.

Purge

I'm currently purging my world in order to start a new life in my new house. It's true...i'm moving out. Shocking for some and others i'm sure are thinking it's about time and it would have been about time three years ago.

The purging though has been enjoyable. getting rid of things i have no use for, things that are excessive, things that i need to let go and move on. i mean how many letteres from gr.6 do you actually need to keep? i'm sure there will be more purging once i start setting up things and realizing i don't have a place for certain things and then i can just chuck them.

I've been in awe of people like St. Francis of Assisi and Rich Mullins lately. these vow of poverty guys are pretty amazing. Mr.Mullins didn't even own shoes for the last bit of his life. i mean one of the biggest Christian song writers lived in a trailer on a native reserve and gave the rest of his money away. maybe i can get rid of a bunch of my shoes...oh dear i have a lots. where did all this stuff come from? how did i end up with so many shoes and book and CD's. I don't know.

starting a new life at a new house with less stuff. hopefully i'm on my way to this simple life i would like to live. GOING GHANDI. leave the things behind me in that house and start fresh in a new place. it's fall...seems like the thing to do.

Snail

It feels as though my blogging pace has slowed to the pace of molasses on a freezing winter day. so....just in case you didn't catch it....my progress on this blog is ridiculously slow. sigh.
i've thought to write often and there have been too many things to think about, too many things to say and the blogs would have been gargantuan ramblings that most likely contradict themselves and fail to make a real point.
but i found a prayer of sorts that i liked. so here it is. good old catholics.

Ministers to the Future
By Cardinal John Dearden of Detroit (1979)

It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts; It is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
Of the magnificent enterprise that is the Lord's work.

Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying
That the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
No sermon says all that should be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.

That is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow,
We water seeds already planted
Knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provided yeast that affects far beyond our capabilities.

We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very, very well.

It may be incomplete; but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
An opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and to do the rest.

We may never see the end results,
But that is the difference between the Master Builder
And the worker.

We are workers, but not master builders. . .
Ministers, not messiahs.

We are prophets of a future that is not our own. Amen

thoughts anyone?

August

i was in a mall the other day and they had backpack sales and school supply sales and parents looking quizzically at lists from elementary schools making sure that little jonny has the right pencil crayons and such. what a weird realization that people are already thinking about the fall and it's only August. where did the summer go? I feel like i missed it and then i think...no...wait...there's still another four weeks left in the summer. FOUR WEEKS. last time i checked that is a whole month. There's a lot of things that can happen in a month. Not as much as nine months, but still it's a while.

I have this tendancy to look forward to the first week of september or the first six weeks of the fall. i love the fall. i wish i was going back to school and a part of the whole walking around campus with my wool sweater on and it's cold outside but the sun is warm and the leaves are changing. sigh.

i had a history class at 1:00 p.m. my third year at University and i loved going there early, sitting outside "the turtle" on the grass, eating a yogurt and granola bar and then having a little nap in the warm fall sun. it was beautiful, i wish i was there now.

anyway...

i have a tendancy to rush through August, wishing it was fall and then fall comes and i want to go back to summer for just a bit. but this month i will try and embrace every day of it, embrace all the summer moments that lie within the next month and then be ready for fall when it comes.

the change of seasons is weird and the winters are often very hard on my person, but perhaps enjoying every moment of each season will allow me to be okay with winter when it comes. there are many beautiful things about winter, don't get me wrong. but i wonder if winter is awful because we believe it has stolen something from us. stolen our sun, stolen our warmth, stolen something prematurely. but i wonder if one was to soak in every moment of each season that we would be ready for winter to come when it comes.

i don't know if it's that simple or possible but something to think about. so soak away people. let's learn to be wrinkly from immeresing ourselves fully in this last month of summer.

Miles before and behind

2578 km have passed since I have written a blog entry and much has happened it seems. The camp was an experience that wasn't the best unfortunately although I did meet some nice people along the way. and one or two were exceptional people actually. and it is always interesting to share in one small window of time in each other's lives. so to those exceptional people I salute you.

I guess it made me thankful for the good community of people I have at home and yet sometimes i feel like some of my experiences with people at that camp destroyed something inside of me that might take a while to rebuild. as if i questioned everything I was about because everything I was about seemed invalid to most. It shook the confidence I had in myself, in my ability to connect with people, in my ability to interact. I felt awkward and as if i was in jr.high.

It's hard to explain but I didn't realize how awfully mean some Christians could be in a group and gave me more sensitivity to those that have found themselves in a destructive church situation. So that is me trying to be positive, looking at the situation and me trying to move on from the experience.

The roadtrip part was good though, I have enjoyed the chance to drive by myself and do my own thing for a while. I had a lot of time to myself through the different chains of mountains. It was sad to not be with another person for some of the moments I experienced just because it's nice to have someone to say, "Hey, that's beautiful" to. But, at the same time I got to enjoy the beauty I saw in silence and solitude which is also a wonderful thing.

With all that time to think it's interesting who you meet out on the open road. The memories that pop into your head, the people you think about that you haven't thought about in years, the things you were sure you had forgotten, the skeletons in closets that you thought were sealed shut can open their doors once again. many a tear was shed and many a smile crossed my lips as I drove on the trip.

God just has a way to push beyond what we were ready to think about, to drag things up that we haven't dealt with and need to. And I asked him to be with me in the car and work in my life, and so perhaps he did. But at the end of July I end up feeling broken and trying to sort out exactly what happened this past month. You know? exactly what didn't click, exactly why I still have these tastes in my mouth of things far gone?

Someone might say that reconstruction only begins when things have been totally broken or taken away. but at this point I feel like an empty lot without a blueprint for the builder. but it is midnight and i'm tired. this is how i'm feeling but i recognize it's late. tonight i was reminded that i am loved and that is true. it was probably the most important thing i needed to hear.

shalom

Ramblings: with a hint of honesty

The blogging world definitely seems to slow down in the summer. Like molasses on a -40'C day. But I guess that means that people are out in the sun and enjoying life rather than sitting at work or in some computer lab desperately trying to find some humour or thoughtfulness in life. I'm not really sure why, but I'm guessing that it's just because it's summer.

I won't be contributing much myself this summer because I'm off to camp again. 12 hour drive tomorrow but thanks to dave hengen I will have a sweet mix CD, specifically for driving through the mountains. So that is exciting. i also have four trans-canada music day CD's and I promise that mine will be sent tomorrow before I leave guys. Sorry I've been so slow on this.

I'm actually looking forward to the long drive. I used to drive a whole bunch last year, like being away two weekends out of every month. And I got to liking it. I got to enjoy the time alone, the time to think, the time to scream at the top of my lungs or to pray or to just not say anything.  I'm sure I will be an overly friendly customer at some gas station seven hours into the trip, desperate for someone to talk to but I'm looking forward to a chance to sort through things in my mind, see some beautiful countryside and just be with me.

Before I left for my first camp I had this epiphany that I hadn't been alone (other than when i was sleeping) for almost 3 months. And in all reality it's nearly impossible to be alone in my house or in my world. There are still people in this house when I am sleeping and living in a city you are always near someone. It's almost claustrophobic inducing if you think about it too long. And so a little time alone before I embark on my next adventure will be nice.

I'm feeling weird about going, in an open and honest blog confession. I'm not worried about how much work to do or if I will be able to do the work, but I am worried about fitting in. Isn't that ridiculous. I haven't worried about fitting in in a long time. I think I have always pictured Young Life people being super hip and awesome, with the coolest clothes and piercing and haircuts and look you know? I'm not quite like that because I really don't have any idea how to look pretty cool. While others in jr.high were figuring out how to dress....I was trying to make sure that no one could categorize me by my clothes. I didn't want to be a punk or skater or prep or jock or whatever, and so I wore weird clothes, ones that no one else would wear. And thus....in my attempt for independence.....I missed out on the "how to be cool" lessons that were being given out on weekends and such, and I missed out on the every important "how to do makeup" lessons that were given out on weekend nights. Hanging out with a bunch of boys didn't help much.

Anyway, i know that it doesn't matter if I fit in and perhaps this will be my chance to be an outsider again and remember what that feels like. and perhaps it will be good chance to bring in some other people on the outside. And I need to remember that I'm going to camp to work not to be super cool. But alas...it still sits in my brain.
And for the most part I'm okay with not being the super, hippest person I know. And it's awful of me to think that these people will be weird or exclusive. I'm sure they're great people looking to have a lot of fun. I just wish I knew some of them before I went because I don't even have Young Life as a common thing with them.

BUT....good news....i'm bringing my Death Cab Hoodie. And if they don't like Death Cab...well then...I don't want anything to do with them. Oh Death Cab....don't fail me now.

okay, no more insecurities. off to be bold and courageous. be well my 2 readers (as jon fairbridge once said about my blog) and i look forward to seeing how this turns out.

shalom

WTF (what time friend)

I was driving home last night and happened to see a sign for a church. It had the regular verse or pun-ny comment and then at the bottom it said, "We Worship at 11:00".

And I thought to myself, what a ridiculous thing to say. We worship at 11:00. I get annoyed that people ignore what Worship really means. It's not just a thing we do when we are singing or a thing we do only at 11:00 on Sunday mornings. It is an ongoing thing. An everyday, 24/7 thing. It's giving God the glory in everything we do. It's our expression of love for him.

I am often frustrated by my own way of speaking and others way of speaking, saying that I am part of a worship band, or....a Praise and Worship hour. Or that we need to be singing to be worshiping, or worshiping happens at a certain hour. Worship is supposed to happen everywhere and it is in singing for sure, it is also in giving money to people, in using our talents in every day life, for being people of integrity and living by God's laws, it is in walking old ladies across the street, in reading our bibles, in sitting in a field letting the sun warm us and enjoying the breeze on our faces and just being outside, it is in being thankful and sooo....it's not just an 11:00 thing.

We worship at 11:00. What time do you worship at? Oh you know I prefer the time between 2:43 and 2:56. I really feel God is the most powerful at that time.

NO...it should say "we continue our worship together at 11:00", or "we meet at 11:00 to get together and enjoy each other's company", or "there will be people at our church at 11:00 if you want to drop by".

I have a fascination with Jewish culture and people. I want to be Jewish. I admire that their interaction with God is not compartmentalized, it is in everything they do. It is in how they dress, how they eat, how the build their houses, how they raise their children, how the live life. And I dislike how in Christian circles, my own life included, we compartmentalize God. You know? We spend quiet time with God in the morning and that is our time to think about him, and then we don't' think about him the rest of the day. Or we meet God on a Sunday sitting in pews and that's it, we don't meet him anywhere else. I want my relationship with God to be in and through everything i do. Not just leaving worship until 11:00 every week but rather this every day, living and breathing thing. So that when I get to church at 11:00 it is only a continuation of something that has already been going on during the week.

I'm sorry to all those that make church signs but sometimes they just really urch (erk) me. This is probably is for now. off to princeton. maybe i'll find sometime while i'm there or sometime once more before I leave to write something. Until then keep it real.

A Salute: I'll cry for you argentina

you know if you are going to do a post about argentina, you have to make some kind of reference to Evita. So I have done it. Let's move on.

A Salute to Argentina's world cup soccer team. A Salute because Argentina lost today. they were my team. well them and holland. but i had high hopes for argentina, high hopes as in the final match and possibly even winning the world cup. but today....they lost. and it hurt me inside. i was amazed at how much it affected me. i was sad about the oilers but this one, this one hurt me deep down inside where my feelers are. i was not expecting them to loose and to make it worse they lost in a shoot out.

i mean seriously, shoot outs are disgusting. like eating dry bread with moulded ham and sour mayonaise. the sort of sandwich you would throw up afterwards and don't even enjoy as it is going down. they are not a way to determine a game. i mean sudden death overtime, atleast both TEAMS are playing. it's not all dependent on a goal keeper. how awful of a deal was that. you feel bad for the goalie who lets it is and you feel bad for the player that didn't get it in.

but my heart was sad. they deserved to win that game i believe. my hopes for world cup have died, all the teams I chose are out. now it's down to individual players that i like rather than countries. so i go to sleep sad about ukraine, sad about the Czech republic, sad about holland and most importantly sad about Argentina. there's always next world cup i guess. as long as italy doesn't win i will be happy. sorry italia fans.

So I salute Argentina and their hard work. For their amazing passing and calm cool collected way of playing. for your long hair and spanish-isms. for being such a young team and doing so well. you are saluted. signing out.

The End of An Era

In a recent post I mentioned that I had a new favorite chocolate bar. This might not seem like a big deal to some of you that can eat whatever they want in life. But to celiac's treats are hard to come by and there are very few chocolate bars I can eat, so when I find one I like it's important.

Now some of you might not know that I had an addiction to Eatmores for quite some time. I would buy one when I went to 7-11, to Mac's, in the grocery store lineup, every time I stopped for gas and even sometimes when I didn't need gas. At the height of it all I was eating about 2-4 a week. I believed an Eatmore and a slurpee to be a meal supplement and Janess can back me up on that one. I used to think that all I would expect from a date was an eatmore and a slurpee.

The obsession was so severe that I decided to go off Eatmores and slurpees for lent. but after by 40 day lenten fast things just weren't the same, things were different. this dance that had once been so effortless, so easy, was now an awkward movement that not enjoyable for either of us. whatever had been there was gone, and over those 40 days part of me had died.

things began to get a little rocky, i was eating them out of obligation because it was what I had always done. during that time i dabbled unfaithfully in other chocolate bars, looking for something to fill that void. i found Reese Peanut Butter cups. It was a sweet but short relationship. I needed something more than just peanut butter and chocolate, I needed something I could depend on.

I began to return to a chocolate bar from the halloween days. a funny mini-chocolate bar that looks like a piece of poo but definitely does not taste like one (and I would know). Wunderbar.

at first i was hesitant, visiting only once or twice. i didn't want to commit to early, i didn't want to give Wunderbar the impression that i was in this for good. i didn't want to say something that i couldn't back up with commitment. i had just been through a hard break up with eatmore....could a chocolate bar be replaced that quickly in my life? how could i explain this to people? it is possible to fall in love twice? i was so unsure, i felt like i was in jr.high all over again (in the jr.high concession line). after a while though it convinced me that it was worthy of my time and money. peanut butter, chocolate, rice crisps crunch, caramel sweet goodness. Wunderbar - oh how i love thee. I have come home once again, after a long journey of frustration and brokenness I am at home again with a favorite chocolate bar.

Funny thing after all this, I have recently decided that I cannot morally buy chocolate anymore, unless it is fair trade. the chocolate industry is absolutely awful and it seems that i must make a moral choice here. so perhaps i can have wunderbars on every second friday and alternating thursdays. i don't know. i guess we'll have to have one of those relationship talks about it all. and we all love those. how does this sound, " i can see you anymore because you defy my morals." or "i just don't think this relationship will work because you go against everything in my life that i hold dear." i'll keep working on it.

People come and people go, they leave their imprints in ways that are unimaginable. People are like pictures, filled with thousands of details that go unseen to the glancing eye, that you will not see until you see them upside down or sideways or in twilight or dawn. certain colors that will only emmerge when you are looking for them, when you are in the right mood to notice.
we are enigmatic creatures with much lying beneath the surface of our every day lives. just think of all the thoughts you have that you don't tell anyone about, the absolute honest truth that you can't bare to tell another human being. the hurt or fear that you cannot bring yourself to admit.

we are islands in some ways. some of us are closer to shore than others but islands still the same.

i have realized recently that my school life and my real life are completely different worlds. i share the funny stories from the days but not the struggles, not the hard things kids face or have faced in life. and i could have had an absolutely painful day at school full of information from broken kids about horrible things they have endured and yet when someone outside of school asks how my day was i will say, "it was good." and almost mean it.

they are two different worlds and i'm sure many other people live in this way. i have to force myself to tell someone, to share the things that happened during the day or i could enter the habit of living two lives, of keeping half my life from people. i can understand why teachers marry other teachers because then at least that person understands all the intricacies of their spouses world, the unspoken yet understood aspects of life.

i don't want to be an island though, i don't want to build up the habit of keeping secrets from someone. not everyone needs to know and i realize that one person knowing is enough, but learning to share everything with someone seems weird. i often spread out myself amongst many people. one person knows this side, another person another side. but no one knows all sides. there are too many things in life that would be easy to keep as our secret thing, as our thing that keeps us a safe distance from other human beings. and it frightens me to think about being completely close to someone. i have recently been reminded how much broken relationships hurt and for 24 hours it stopped me dead in my tracks.

but i don't want that and need to fight against the temptation to seclude myself. it is a temptation. i think it is sin in my own life. the desire to distance myself from others rather than share my frustrations, short comings, anger, weakness with someone else. i also need to learn to share the good things, my quirks and funny things. it isn't God's desire to keep himself from us and i don't want it to be mine.

Taboo within taboo

In class today we were playing taboo to end off a rivoting semester of psychology. one of my innocent students (we'll call him fred) decided to try his hand at this game. here is what happened.

Fred was trying to describe the words to us and he said, "Ummm guys have this. Sometimes they're long."

some of the boys in the room look at me wide eyed and shocked that the word they were thinking of could possibly a word to guess in this game. they look at me wondering if i know what they are thinking, wondering if they can say the word they're thinking and then instead of saying the word they just start laughing but Fred could not understand what could possibly be so funny about this certain word. Luckily the timer went and saved us all the embarassment of trying to guess what he was describing.

As Fred was taking his seat I asked him, "ummm...what word were you trying to describe Fred?"
Fred replies: "beard" of course.
me: "Right, that's what I was thinking."

I Salute You

i witnessed a beautiful thing today....a beautiful thing indeed. last night the oilers lost in game seven of the stanley cup final. a heartbreaking loss to a team that had fought hard to get to that point. they made this city proud.
this morning as i drove to work it felt different knowing there were no more hockey games to watch, no more stats to discuss until next year. i expected to see the world back to normal, no more oiler flags or signs in shops....the playoffs were over. we had lost.

but as i drove through the morning traffic, cars and semi-drivers, mini vans and trucks all had their oilers flags flying proudly, as if there was still one more game, as if the boys were still going. and i thought to myself, "why shouldn't the flags still be flying. we are their fans, they have done a good job. yes....they lost but they fought a good fight. fly on dear flags"

and so i salute the edmonton fans. the true edmonton fans. the ones that were at Rexall and continued cheering on the oilers after they lost at home. the ones that proudly wore their jerseys today and kept their flags a-flyin' on their vehicles. i salute you. it was fun. one might not even know the playoffs had ended and that my friends is a sign of a true fan. beautiful.

A comment to end off the year

I have this class you see? It's my world geography class you see? They're a special bunch of misfits that I have grown to love over the year but they try my patience on a regular basis and make life difficult and I have had to sort of drag them through this course this year. they are my last class and often drain my energy completely. and they are aware of the obstacles they create. they're the cool and hard to motivate kids.

So today they were being incredibly difficult, arguing and complaining etc. And Student Y whispered to his friend, "She hates us."
Student W: "Ms. Bennett are we your favorite class? or atleast your favorite students?"
And I said, "I don't hate you guys. There's a very special place in my heart for this class."
Studnet X: "Is it the retarded part of your heart?"

i laughed. thought i would share that.

A Resting Place

in communion this sunday we were asked to think about the "i am" statements of Christ. who is jesus to us? what does our own relationship with him mean?

i went to england last year and my parents drove us up to Coventry, an industrial town much like Edmonton in the south central part of England. in convent's there stands the only 20th century cathedral in England and it is beautiful. as you walk along inside there are several saying of jesus carved into giant stone slabs. and as i was walking along i came across one that says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." and right there in that moment i realized how much God wanted that for me in my own life, to just give me rest, to rest in him, to find comfort in him. an epiphany in Coventry.

and so i as i think of what jesus is to me (especially in this crazy time called june) i think of rest. I AM YOUR REST.

i wonder how God looks at our inability to depend on him, our inability to find our rest in him. we run around going to counselors, massages, weekend getaways, reading books guaranteed to help us organize and settle down our lives, sneaking in naps wherever we can, drinking coffee to keep us awake, having a beer or two to relax. But what if we started by centering our lives in God, learning to wait on him and depending on him to renew our strength or to calm us. What if...instead of drinking coffee or taking a nap we spent time in prayer asking God for strength?

Now drinking coffee or a beer or two are not bad things. They are quite pleasing to taste. So that's not what I am saying. I'm just asking if we are too used to depending on other things rather than God. You know, if we are using a beer to take the edge off things or a drink of coffee to give us the energy we need....maybe that says something about our dependency on things other than God first. If you are depending on God first and have these other things on the side then.....well....have at 'er.

Is it ridiculous to take it to this level? Something inside of me says, "well lisa...God gave us sleep so we could get rest." But at the same time I want to live a life that acknowledges that God is my strength and my sustainer, not anything else.

I have been challenged about this in my own life. wondering how my lifestyle reflects what i truly believe about God, how much i really believe, really love, and really trust. and not just what i say being representative of that, but the little things i do even without thinking. i guess just something to think about.

So I'll start a revolution from my bed

Beds: we all have one, we all love it, we all want to spend more time in it. Beds.

I am in my bed right now, as I write this....one of the wonders of laptops. I love my bed and I haven't got to spend very much time in here recently. When it is hot I sleep downstairs but now a days sleeping downstairs is out of the question now that World Cup has begun. My house has been so crazy recently that I actually had a nap in my parent's mini van yesterday. There was laminate floor construction upstairs, World cup soccer in the basement.....so i took the keys and my sleeping bad and tried to find some quiet in the mini van. Ridiculous I guess but such is life these days.
And so I'm quite happy to be in my bed right now, to take a saturday off for rejuvination. It's such a lovely place to be, no one understands me like my bed does.
I might even read a book. I am so NOT reading these days that I can't even say I'm reading anything. Normally I am slowly working my way through a book but there is no progress in that area of life these days, somehow there just isn't time.
So the plan for this morning is to stay in my bed as long as I can. Actually I have already left it once to eat something and visit with the World Cupians. But now I am back and really I am confused as to why I ever left.

I tried writing an Ode To My Bed but I just wasn't feeling it this morning, I will try again some other time.

So, if you love your bed shout it out. And if you have a good book to suggest once I actually get back to reading let me know.

Tomorrow Tomorrow, I'll love ya Tomorrow

June is upon me in full swing and I'm feeling it....oh am I feeling it. It's exhausting but I know I will survive. I have survived things like this before.
I have been thinking about next year and what I should be doing, throwing around all these ideas of options. I used to be really into planning out everything, knowing everything I would be doing, knowing exactly where I would be in a few months and now.....well I don't know.

I don't know what I should be doing next year and I'm not even sure I necessarily care. I mean I do in someways, and I'm sure I will do something useful and good but in all honesty I'm feeling like it isn't in my hands. Is that too apathetic? Or is that good acceptance of the reality that I'm not in control?

At this point if you asked me what I wanted to be doing next year I might say that I want to sit by a fire and read, with a pair of wool socks in some cabin on Vancouver Island overlooking the stormy ocean. I just want to sit somewhere with no big school stuff pressing on me. Is it wrong to just want to not work next year? Just sub and have some fun? Should I want to settle down into a career? Is it a bad career move to take a year off next year? (I don't like thinking about career moves, sounds too old for me)

And then I think, maybe I don't really want to be a teacher, as much as I enjoy being a teacher right now. Or maybe I'm afraid of settling down and committing to something.
I think perhaps what I really want is......a break. Life is just a little too much sometimes, a little too busy and it seems that there are always things to care about, things to be on top of, people to call and to care about, people who I want to learn from, books I want to read and movies I want to watch. You know sometimes I don't see someone for three weeks or three months and I haven't even noticed. And that's awful and it's not that there are unimportant to me but rather that life is so full of stuff that I miss out on being consistent or dependable in their life. And that.......the belief that you cannot really rely on me for much is a very frustrating thing, because that is not the sort of person I want to be.

But the strange thing is that with all these questions in my mind I am not panicked but rather peaceful or nearing apathy. Things will come how they come and pieces will fall into place. And probably I am just really weary without a break insight for at least another week.

PARTTTAYYYYYY

All right, here's the deal. Edmonton Folk Fest this year is going to be awesome. David Gray, Bruce Cockburn, Sarah Harmer, feist, The Blind Boys of Alabama, The Neville Brothers, The Bedouin Soundclash (of course I haven't heard these guys but i have heard good things about them) and many more. Anyway, I'm going....are you? tickets went on sale today. I'm going to get mine...are you getting yours? four days for $119, quite a good deal. plus i will be there and a few other friends. so, hope you are all in for the big party this summer. Aug 10-13. Saweeeettttt! Live music, outside, in beautiful Edmonton and amazing line up. Who's in?

Pardeep

Pardeep is the name of the man that works at the Mac’s down the street from my house. He has worked there for at least the last five years. I remember when my roommates and I used to frequent that Mac’s on a regular basis and every night Pardeep would say good-bye with the usual, “Thank you, come again.” But on one night he said to me, “Thank you, see you tomorrow.” I was so embarrassed but the thing is…it was true. I would be there the next night for another Eatmore and a slurpee. I like him though. He always tries to sell me more stuff than I want to buy. You know, “two chocolate bars for 1.79” or something like that. But I just laugh and smile and say no. He is definitely the stereotypical Mac’s store clerk.

I have got to visit Pardeep a lot recently and have begun to idealize the Mac store clerk life. I like the idea of watching people. Knowing what people's secret delights or addictions are...you know? Only Pardeep knows about my recent switch in favorite candy bar. (see future blog about that) But he will also know the lady that comes in a buys a certain chocolate bar every day with a certain beverage, or which business man can't get enough dino-saurs, or the exact proportion of someone's slurpee. i don't know, for some reason these types of jobs appeal to me. Just like working at a video store.

I have a unique relationship with the Sneak Preview workers. We have these intimate conversations about life and movies and work and whatever else, but i have no idea what their names are. I recently saw one of them outside of the video store and of course we both knew each other, it was a funny moment but good that we varified to each other that we indeed have lives outside of movies. Sometimes I wish they didn't know me because when I return a video ridiculously late i feel ashamed that i have let my friends down at Sneak Preview....but they're quite understanding, like those random stranger friends should be.

jarring

smells, sights, sounds, touch, taste...they can all do it to you. they can transport you back in time to another place or even to when you were another person. it's strange how easily that can happen. one moment you are in the present, the next you see a picture or smell something and suddenly you are back in gr.7 feeling all awkward and insecure or perhaps back just a few years ago in the summer of 2002 and for that split second everything is different, everything is how it was then. it can be overwhelming.

it's so involuntary that i almost feel taken advantage of by my senses. annoyed that they did not warn me they were going to transport me back deep into my memory, back to things i had forgotten.

There are crisp May mornings that make me feel like I'm in elementary and should be walking to school.

The smell of sweaty horses and musty barns makes me think of my rodeo days with my dad before I was five. i love that smell.

A perfume worn by the girl i stayed with in France. it reminds me of speeding around Toulon, France on a scooter well past midnight with her perfume filling my sense as I held on to her with all my might. Or even just a cologne of someone I once knew.

There are pictures that are suprising to see because i had forgotten how that person looked or how they smiled and then memories literally flood my brain.

The smell of lilacs makes me feel like i'm in gr.12 again. taking a walk around the neighbourhood with my friend Dan during our spare.

now i have given you the nice ones but there are also some that aren't so nice, ones that make me feel so vulnerable again, that make my heart sink because i have tried so hard to forget that thing that happened, the way i felt at that point etc. etc. these memories still have the ability to remember how much that situation hurt so deep inside and sometimes i let the thoughts do their thing and dance around in my head and conjure up images long gone and moments in the deepest part of my brain. and sometimes i try so desperately to put them from my head and bottle them up with the hope that the lid will not come off again.

the happy memories that I have make me smile involuntarily and laugh in my head at the funniness of the situation, or how much i dearly love that person or thing i used to do. or ones that can make me feel invigorated and alive. i am thankful for those. but after my most recent experience has left my subdued and sad inside. and to those ones i say this:

Dear Memory,
Please leave me alone, i don't want you anymore.

Guts

At our spring retreat this week I had an amazing experience that left me speechless. It's a good thing to share these moments and so I will do so now.

We had a chapel session at the retreat to end things off and a student came up to me and asked if she could speak with me. At the beginning of the year I had some definite trouble with this student, showing up late, not handing assignments in, talking in class, attitude etc. And they definitely caused me some frustration in class. Anyway, the student comes up to me and tries to begin their sentence but before they can start they begins to cry. And just said, "Ms.Bennett...I just wanted to apologize for this year. I feel like i have been very disrespectful and said disrespectful things and treated you poorly and I feel like God is really weighing it on my heart to tell you this right now. So I'm sorry." And they're crying and I'm sitting here thinking...."weird, I didn't realize I would ever get an apology for something like that." and i didn't know what to do. it's not very often that we confess things to each other.

it took a lot of courage to do it. i don't know if i would have had enough courage and humility to do that when I was 17. it made me want to do it more, to be big enough and humble enough to tell people that I have messed up and to seek their forgiveness.

so i don't have a funny story but to me this was an amazing thing. a little apology that i think is worth posting. taught me a good lesson. and also taught me that I don't know how to let people ask me for forgiveness, even that was humbling. i worry that it is something that is so foreign to me and to my experience, confession and forgiveness to another human being. especially when it is so fundamental to our beliefs. i have had a few times where i have confessed things to a friend. sometimes it has gone really rough and took years to fix, and sometimes it has been an amazingly freeing thing. either way i think being honest was the right thing to do. it heals both the sinner and the one sinned against.
so on wednedsay through tears and broken pride i experienced grace from a student. it left me with nothing to say. it was a strangely beautiful thing.

Behind and Ahead

This week in life:
-Spring Retreat, hoping to have a funny story to share with you all
-watch a Luke or Owen Wilson film. they're fantastic. I watched The Family Stone last night and was reminded of how much I like Luke Wilson.
Quote of Luke's from Bottle Rocket where he explain why he ended up going to an aylum:
"One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life."
-three day school week.....yippeee!
-academic update marks are due by friday....booooooo!
-X-MEN THREE COMES OUT THIS WEEK!
-2 home games for the oilers.....can anyone smell the next series?

other than that life is going well which reduces the amount of deep and heavy thinking i do, or atleast reduces the amount i feel the need to write about it. i think i blog better when life is rough or a struggle.

it was a good weekend:
-good pizza and people to hang out with
-beautiful day in the sun at the legislature in the water and sun
-owned at Bochi Ball
-sat in the grass and had a lovely unplanned and unscheduled Friday night
-lay on the ground and had enough time to listen to all of Richard Strauss' Metamorphosen. (27 minutes long)
-looked at a lot of good books at chapters which makes me excited to spend August reading.
-watched the hockey game on whyte ave with a pint of cider and some lovely friends. and we won! booyah.
-watched the High Level waterfall in all its splendor on Sunday night.

The only thing this weekend was missing, if it was missing anything, was some fireworks. but in all honesty, i didn't really miss them. the weekend managed to pass at a perfect rate, not too fast and not too slow. It actually felt like a long weekend. sigh. such a lovely gift.

okay, that's all really. nothing too new or exciting but life is really pleasant, with the usual ups and downs but the coping capability that the summer and lovely new and old friends bring.

i'm out.

I'll take my humble pie with a cherry on top

I have been thinking about integrity recently, actually a lot. I think it probably has to do with being a teacher and talking about these significant subjects with my students on a regular basis. I had a conflict with a student this week that spread itself over three days, and although I believe that I conducted myself well in the situation I can shake the feeling that this conflict we have might sit deeply in her brain of how Christians act. Could I have shown more compassion? Did my pride get in the way of the discussion in some ways? If Jesus had had a student physically challenge him how would he have reacted?

I want to be a person of integrity, who lives out this Jesus thing in real life, who is consistent and an upright human being. I mean I’m okay with being real, and letting them know I mess up but when you deal with discipline in the classroom, or are confronted by a student it’s easy to loose your cool, to demand your rights as a human being. And it’s hard to be compassionate, to love, to be gracious. It’s hard to look at them and think “Man, you come from such a broken home…no wonder you act like this. No wonder you think people are always out to get you.” But sometimes I am not good at it but I want to be. Even if a student and I disagree I want to be able to still walk out of it thinking that I acted like Jesus would, acted in accordance with my faith.

But I guess I am human and bound to mess up, sometimes I just wish I could give these kids the most amazing example so that they would want to really live this Christian thing, that they would want to get out of this apathy that they live in. So that God can use me to speak his life into them. I guess I just hope that he does in some way, even if I mess up, and that I can be given the humbleness of heart to go back and fix it when I mess up. I have done it a few times and it’s harder than with my peers. But it’s a good lesson. Oh that humble pie.

Summer nights

i spent a lovely evening outdoors on our deck yesterday.  it was so lovely just to sit and breath in the sweet blossom summer air, the trees in my backyard are in full blossom right now. this is my favorite time of year I think. As you sit there, little white petals fall on your face and in your hair. I love the long days of sunlight we get up here in the arctic :)

in summer time it seems that the world is at peace and I believe that he is right. that's exactly what last night was....peaceful. and i needed a peaceful moment after the day I had. My stomach was feeling a bit off but somehow the summer night soothed my body and my soul. a little gift from God. pleasant company on a warm summer evening, what more could one ask for.

it is beautiful in the summer in edmonton. and perhaps it is more beautiful because of the winter we have to go through. we are more thankful and drink in more summer moments because it does not last that long.

last night as i sat there i thought that it almost seems that during the summer there is less evidence that we live in a fallen world , that when we look outside now we get a picture of how God intended the world to be and intends the world to be again one day. there is more life, more growth. make sure to drink in these summer moments.

i have put a few summer quotes on here. listed in order of my least favorite to my most favorite. you can imagine the ones about june actually are about may.

In summer, the song sings itself. ~William Carlos Williams

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. ~John Lubbock

What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade. ~Gertrude Jekyll

The summer night is like a perfection of thought. ~Wallace Stevens

If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance. ~Bern Williams

Feeding Frenzy

okay so that's the only clever title i could come up with that had to do with sharks and oilers. I guess that title actually makes it sound like the oilers are being devoured by the sharks. but my friends, that is definitely not the case. no, no, no, we are killing. 6-3 two games in a row. that's got to be psychologically damaging to a team.
now i don't know how the series will turn out and I'm not claiming victory yet. but it makes for enjoyable hockey and surprising hockey. I was saying to my friend David that we might get to watch a game together in the third round and then we both remarked how ridiculous it was to think that there might be a third round for the oilers. i never say this one coming.

now some of you might be surprised to see me writing about hockey but over the last year I have regained my fondness for the sport. the fondness that i have not felt since i watched Paul Coffey in the early Oiler years. he's my favorite hockey player of all time. i seem to have a thing for defensemen. in soccer and hockey i tend to like defensemen better: Yapp Stam, Melchiot, Staios and Morreau (my starbucks buddies) and most importantly Paul Coffey (which has nothing to do with starbucks) .

Anyway, i digress...in short i have watched a lot of hockey this year. we have watched a lot of games here this year which might have to do with the fact that i'm charming and interesting to talk to....or that i have a projector in my basement. either or it has been fun to watch, fun to follow and most importantly fun to think that they are in the second round and could possibly go for a third round.

So Go Oilers Go!



(is it sacrilegious to put a picture of the pope holding a hockey stick on your blog? for some reason there was a moment of hesitation. but i think it's a funny picture.)

Diminutive

This poem is dedicated to those of you out there who think I am ridiculously small. I figured it was a good Friday poem.

One Inch Tall

If you were only one inch tall, you'd ride a worm to school.
The teardrop of a crying ant would be your swimming pool.
A crumb of cake would be a feast
And last you seven days at least,
A flea would be a frightening beast
If you were one inch tall.

If you were only one inch tall, you'd walk beneath the door,
And it would take about a month to get down to the store.
A bit of fluff would be your bed,
You'd swing upon a spider's thread,
And wear a thimble on your head
If you were one inch tall.

You'd surf across the kitchen sink upon a stick of gum.
You couldn't hug your mama, you'd just have to hug her thumb.
You'd run from people's feet in fright,
To move a pen would take all night,
(This poem took fourteen years to write--
'Cause I'm just one inch tall).

Shel Silverstein

A Tipping Of The Hat

i would like to take a moment out of this lovely day to tip my hat to the old gentlemen in this world. i have a break during the day and end up doing my grocery shopping or what have you in the middle of the day which is prime time for the seniors of the world to be out and about.

and one of the things i really love is seeing these little men who wear their hats and cardigans and step aside to let me through and act like gentlmen. they are very adorable and maybe if i'm really good someone will let me take one home with me. i like that they wear their hats out and that they still believe in dressing up when they go out. i know that i am proned to wanting to wear my sweat pants out a lot of the time and for dressing up to sometimes entail wearing jeans but i love the old men. and they are so lovely to their wives, helping them on with their coats and treating them so well. i love observing it and i love the little old men. there is something specifically wonderful about a man helping a lady on with her coat and a man standing up at a table when a woman walks in the room.

Now i am willing to admit that there are definitely things girls should be doing as well, not sure what they are but you can let me know if you think about it. i realize it's a two way thing. but anyway, the old men are fantastic.

so let us tip our hats to these men. the forefathers of our time. let us tip it in honor of looking stellar when they grocery shop, for treating me such chilvary and for making my day by just existing.

what were you doing last may?

First things first:
thank you to all who responded to my blog question. I appreciate you revealing your identity. i know that some of you are still out there but never left an anonymous post, but that's okay. your secret is safe with me.

Okay so it is time for a new blog. something pithy, something worth saying.

the skies have brought rain to edmonton as of recent. the world is transforming itself, declaring it's new self in a beautiful electric green, the first colors of spring. it amazing how the world can look dry and brown for quite a long time and then all of a sudden you realize that there are leaves on the trees and flowers growing in the gardens and spring has come.

this rain has made me want to be in England, amongst the quirky british folk and their lush green land. i was in england a year ago now. it is strange to think about what life was like this time last year, and strange to think that it doesn't feel that long ago and yet so much has happened. I feel as though I am quite a different person from last year in May. I have gained some valuable life experience, learned some important lessons, gained more of God's peace inside and I have a few more scars to show.

my ideas about life are different then they were then. i am not worried about the same things i was worried about then. i think i actually worry less. i am somewhat concerned as to where i will be in the fall but i have come to realize that nothing is certain and that what I need to be doing is being faithful with whatever i have in front of me now. i need to be faithful with the minds i shape as a teacher or with the trust that some of these broken kids have bestowed on me and so on and so forth. and i have learned that the moment i need to take a hold of is now. that i cannot stop myself from loving people or letting them know i care about them, hoping to do so at somepoint in the future. I have right now with them and that is all that i am certain of.

as i look back at this past year it seems to be easily mapped out like the cycle of seasons. moments of beautiful summer, dark winter and a spring. and that this abundant life God offers us means that we should celebrate more and mourn more and experience life in it's entirety. i often want to migrate south to avoid life's winter. but this year I have learned that only by surviving the winter can you hope to see the spring. i have learned more about being able to struggle through the pain and not avoid it, that life is not about shoulds and should nots but about living. that the great thing about Christianity is being able to stare pain right in the face and say "I know there is more than this." and that it is not about fixing one another but about helping each other accept wherever ever they're at, about giving people room to change and grow and allowing myself to do that same.

It killed the cat I hear

Hello Readers,
This is a post for you, that's right you. The one who is staring at this bright screen perhaps in a dark room late at night, or after a long days work. This one is for you.

I have to confess something to you all. I hope there are enough of you that I can refer to you as "you all". My confession is this...I am curious. I am filled with curiosity and that eventually trickles over into my blogging world. I know that many of you might read this blog and enjoy your complete ghost-persona where no one knows you have read it and where you can just read and enjoy. And I want you to be able to maintain that secret blog life that you live. I hold no ill will against you.

But at the same time I am incredibly curious to know who reads it. Some of you post and that is lovely but it seems that posts have become fewer and farther between. Ian says that you shouldn't post serious comments because people won't post on them and then you will be disappointed and perhaps he is right. AND perhaps there is nothing to say sometimes and I can understand that for sure.

So here's the deal. If you read this blog, you can leave me an anonymous message that has some secret inside joke that only you and I will know and then atleast I will know what curious creatures read this blog from time to time. I suffer from curiosity. what can I say? You don't even have to leave your name, just something that I might know about you so that I know who is reading this. Is that fair?

I hope this doesn't violate some sort of blogging law or right. but if you read, please post....just this once. one little thing. no pressure, no need for some deep thought that you might feel embarassed to share on a blog..... just a little note. you can leave just your name if you like. that's fine too. or a post. just leave your mark however you choose.

i look forward to hearing from you. thank you to those that comment on occasion. i love you all, those that post and those that don't. to each his own. and i am willing to admit that only a few reads this and that's okay. i will probably continue writing i imagine.

I recently watched Shopgirl which I enjoyed. Jason Schwartzman was fantastic. I think I should see Rushmore again. The movie had beautiful color in it, or beautiful cinemtaography. Not sure which one it was.

But also it seemed like a little bit truer snippet of real life, where people mess up and hurt each other and are selfish, but somehow love each other at the same time. Sometimes even in the same breath. what i saw in the movie was something i believe we all do in some small or large way. the last line says it here.

"As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance, so that when she was gone, he would not miss her. Only then does he realize how wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both."

Steve Martin - Shopgirl

Sarcasm and Melons

So my favorite thing happened today. I didn't realize that it was my favorite thing but trust me...it was.

I was looking for shoes for teaching, nicer sandal type things for my job that you have to have a degree in order to get etc. you know the one. And I overhear the girls in the shoe store talking about some school stuff, talking about what courses they will be taking next year when they are in gr.12. Okay?
Now one of them comes over to me and says, "Are you finding what you are looking for hon?" in this super condescending tone. And proceeded to talk to me as if I was in gr.10 maybe. And i decided it's my favorite thing in the whole entire world when people who are younger than me talk to me like I'm in gr.10. Here I am thinking about how i teach girls her age and here she is treating me like I'm younger than her.

Now, I admit that I look young and that isn't something I can really help. but seriously. why talk to people like they are younger than you. Why not just talk to them like normal people. Because I'm normal people and someone talking down to me really makes me...well i don't know what it makes me but it's definitely my faovrite thing. Oh wait.......grrrrrrrr.

On a happier note I have recently found out that The Smashing Pumpkins are in pre-production for an album which means they're getting back together, or atleast some of them. So that's exciting. I went out and bought Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. I have always wanted to own the CD set and now I do. I'm listening to it as I type this out. I think I am past my hard core days but it reminds me of those harder days, and the slower songs are lovely. Billy Corgan, you shorn, whiny voiced poet. So hug a pumpkin near you to celebrate this fine event!
"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" Rock on Smashing Pumpkins.

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

I smiled and waved at Mr. Ford today as I drove past him. He has lived at the end of the street the 19 years I have lived in this house. He was out in his impeccable garden. He has cancer.
Before I pulled into my driveway I saw Mrs. Crooks, she has lived here as long as Mr. Ford. She had her scarf draped elegantly around her head, she has been going through Chemo.
I was coming home from school where one of the men I work with has a daughter struggling with leukemia in the PICU in the hospital.

And I thought to myself about how cancer used to not have a name and young and old would just die with no real reason, no name for the disease and that was hard. Now we can call it cancer and it seems just as hard. Being able to name the problem or the reason hasn't helped it much. And that seems how it might be with most things in life. If we were given a reason that wouldn't be enough because the other question then follows "Why?".

I saw Death Cab the other night and their Song "What Sarah said" has been stuck in my head for a while, it makes me think of my grandma.

my Grandma is an example of love that I can only hope to reach someday. My grandpa will be 92 in a few weeks and in the fall he suffered 2 strokes. And it is hard to watch them sometimes and it is beautiful to watch. But it's something to watch as grandparents change over time, as you watch them take different care of each other without saying a word, without complaining. They pick up each other's dropped things, help each other with their coats, they don't tease each other for forgetting things or saying a story twice, they show patience and forbearance. And I love that they are not embarrassed of one another.

My grandma loves my grandpa in the real sense, in the real way. Her life is dedicated to taking care of him now. I know I have a strange sense of what love is. I think it's gerbera daisies and lying on the grass watching skies full of stars on summer nights. Walking by the seashore and holding hands, eating ice cream and reading to each other. And perhaps these are things that happen when you love someone. But love is so much greater than that, it is...as Death Cab would say....watching someone die. Watching them, not turning away. Sticking through these tough moments, not letting go because it will hurt if you keep holding on. But as the hurt grows greater holding on to them even tighter.

"If might is right, then love has no place in the world. It may be so, it may be so. But I don't have the strength to live in a world like that."
Father Gabriel - The Mission

It'll all work out

i watched Elizabethtown tonight for the second time and I know that some people thought that script was bad or the actors were poor but here's the thing...it still made me feel all warm inside to watch it and i liked it. I loved the music a lot and think I should curl up with Tom Petty and get to know him again. I never really left him, but he has been neglected. He writes a great song and has "the voice".

I like movies that deal with families and the intricacies that exist within. I liked the part where Orlando bloom finally talks to his father and cries and laughs as he drives. And did I mention I liked the Tom petty music in the movie?

The movie made me want to go on a road trip with good music and have a chance to stop at places along the way. to see the many shades of life that color the U.S.A or in canada. All the different accents, and different was of living. And I would like to bring a good camera to capture it all.

It seems that too many roadtrips have a destination, a place you have to be by a certain time...but I would like to go on a roadtrip that has a few selected places to stop, but no arrival time that has to be fulfilled. And maybe one day, some lovely person will make me a roadtrip CD. Just in case anyone is wondering i do have a trip to Princeton B.C that I will be doing by myself this summer. And I would appreciate good driving CD's. hint, hint.

So I will buy myself the soundtrack for my birthday I guess. it's my birthday tomorrow. 24. one more closer to 25. my decision for my birthday this year was to eat good food that I can eat. I wanted to spend some money on expensive gluten free food. I will have french toast tomorrow morning. I don't normally fork out $5-$7 for a loaf of bread, but today I did and it was nice. chicken wings and ben and jerry's ice cream are in order at some point. And sparkling apple juice. It feels like a real party when you drink sparkling apple juice don't you think.

okay no more thoughts today. so the moral is...everyone should listen to more Tom Petty and we should figure out where he is playing in concert and do a road trip to see him.