I recently watched Shopgirl which I enjoyed. Jason Schwartzman was fantastic. I think I should see Rushmore again. The movie had beautiful color in it, or beautiful cinemtaography. Not sure which one it was.

But also it seemed like a little bit truer snippet of real life, where people mess up and hurt each other and are selfish, but somehow love each other at the same time. Sometimes even in the same breath. what i saw in the movie was something i believe we all do in some small or large way. the last line says it here.

"As Ray Porter watches Mirabelle walk away he feels a loss. How is it possible, he thinks, to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance, so that when she was gone, he would not miss her. Only then does he realize how wanting part of her and not all of her had hurt them both."

Steve Martin - Shopgirl

Sarcasm and Melons

So my favorite thing happened today. I didn't realize that it was my favorite thing but trust me...it was.

I was looking for shoes for teaching, nicer sandal type things for my job that you have to have a degree in order to get etc. you know the one. And I overhear the girls in the shoe store talking about some school stuff, talking about what courses they will be taking next year when they are in gr.12. Okay?
Now one of them comes over to me and says, "Are you finding what you are looking for hon?" in this super condescending tone. And proceeded to talk to me as if I was in gr.10 maybe. And i decided it's my favorite thing in the whole entire world when people who are younger than me talk to me like I'm in gr.10. Here I am thinking about how i teach girls her age and here she is treating me like I'm younger than her.

Now, I admit that I look young and that isn't something I can really help. but seriously. why talk to people like they are younger than you. Why not just talk to them like normal people. Because I'm normal people and someone talking down to me really makes me...well i don't know what it makes me but it's definitely my faovrite thing. Oh wait.......grrrrrrrr.

On a happier note I have recently found out that The Smashing Pumpkins are in pre-production for an album which means they're getting back together, or atleast some of them. So that's exciting. I went out and bought Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness. I have always wanted to own the CD set and now I do. I'm listening to it as I type this out. I think I am past my hard core days but it reminds me of those harder days, and the slower songs are lovely. Billy Corgan, you shorn, whiny voiced poet. So hug a pumpkin near you to celebrate this fine event!
"Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage" Rock on Smashing Pumpkins.

As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me

I smiled and waved at Mr. Ford today as I drove past him. He has lived at the end of the street the 19 years I have lived in this house. He was out in his impeccable garden. He has cancer.
Before I pulled into my driveway I saw Mrs. Crooks, she has lived here as long as Mr. Ford. She had her scarf draped elegantly around her head, she has been going through Chemo.
I was coming home from school where one of the men I work with has a daughter struggling with leukemia in the PICU in the hospital.

And I thought to myself about how cancer used to not have a name and young and old would just die with no real reason, no name for the disease and that was hard. Now we can call it cancer and it seems just as hard. Being able to name the problem or the reason hasn't helped it much. And that seems how it might be with most things in life. If we were given a reason that wouldn't be enough because the other question then follows "Why?".

I saw Death Cab the other night and their Song "What Sarah said" has been stuck in my head for a while, it makes me think of my grandma.

my Grandma is an example of love that I can only hope to reach someday. My grandpa will be 92 in a few weeks and in the fall he suffered 2 strokes. And it is hard to watch them sometimes and it is beautiful to watch. But it's something to watch as grandparents change over time, as you watch them take different care of each other without saying a word, without complaining. They pick up each other's dropped things, help each other with their coats, they don't tease each other for forgetting things or saying a story twice, they show patience and forbearance. And I love that they are not embarrassed of one another.

My grandma loves my grandpa in the real sense, in the real way. Her life is dedicated to taking care of him now. I know I have a strange sense of what love is. I think it's gerbera daisies and lying on the grass watching skies full of stars on summer nights. Walking by the seashore and holding hands, eating ice cream and reading to each other. And perhaps these are things that happen when you love someone. But love is so much greater than that, it is...as Death Cab would say....watching someone die. Watching them, not turning away. Sticking through these tough moments, not letting go because it will hurt if you keep holding on. But as the hurt grows greater holding on to them even tighter.

"If might is right, then love has no place in the world. It may be so, it may be so. But I don't have the strength to live in a world like that."
Father Gabriel - The Mission

It'll all work out

i watched Elizabethtown tonight for the second time and I know that some people thought that script was bad or the actors were poor but here's the thing...it still made me feel all warm inside to watch it and i liked it. I loved the music a lot and think I should curl up with Tom Petty and get to know him again. I never really left him, but he has been neglected. He writes a great song and has "the voice".

I like movies that deal with families and the intricacies that exist within. I liked the part where Orlando bloom finally talks to his father and cries and laughs as he drives. And did I mention I liked the Tom petty music in the movie?

The movie made me want to go on a road trip with good music and have a chance to stop at places along the way. to see the many shades of life that color the U.S.A or in canada. All the different accents, and different was of living. And I would like to bring a good camera to capture it all.

It seems that too many roadtrips have a destination, a place you have to be by a certain time...but I would like to go on a roadtrip that has a few selected places to stop, but no arrival time that has to be fulfilled. And maybe one day, some lovely person will make me a roadtrip CD. Just in case anyone is wondering i do have a trip to Princeton B.C that I will be doing by myself this summer. And I would appreciate good driving CD's. hint, hint.

So I will buy myself the soundtrack for my birthday I guess. it's my birthday tomorrow. 24. one more closer to 25. my decision for my birthday this year was to eat good food that I can eat. I wanted to spend some money on expensive gluten free food. I will have french toast tomorrow morning. I don't normally fork out $5-$7 for a loaf of bread, but today I did and it was nice. chicken wings and ben and jerry's ice cream are in order at some point. And sparkling apple juice. It feels like a real party when you drink sparkling apple juice don't you think.

okay no more thoughts today. so the moral is...everyone should listen to more Tom Petty and we should figure out where he is playing in concert and do a road trip to see him.

Ahhh Stephen

Ahhh the Report. What a funny show. Yes perhaps a little more obscene at times but still very funny. I mean the Daily Show is brilliant as well but tonight The Colbert Report was funnier in my opinions. Some funny moments I can still remember....

"Watching TV about Global Warming is very boring. Like watching paint explain Global Warming."

"Pollution lets nature know who the man is."

"Animals are like children. Unless we put them in cages they just go around popping everywhere and eating each other."

"My guest tonight thinks that the Feminine Mystique was a mistake. I think the mistake was letting women vote."

And of course he talked about PBS blatantly pushing the bear agenda. gotta love the bears.

A look in the rearview mirror

For Lent this year I decided to read through the Gospels for the 46 days and I think I will probably adopt this tradition every year. But this was the first year that I felt like Lent meant something, that I was looking towards Jesus and thinking about him and his life and his death and life again. I was really effected by reading the Gospels, they seemed different and new and Jesus seemed like this real and amazing person in a way I hadn't seen him before. Our Thursday service at school had moments where I felt really moved, something was happening inside me.

And then I got to Good Friday and Easter weekend and.....nothing. nothing happened inside of me. I thought it was going to be this amazing experience where I wept over his death and felt more alive than ever before thinking about his resurrection but the whole weekend it didn't even feel like Easter. I didn't understand how this could be. How could I have just read through all this stuff and then feel nothing on the day where we specifically remember Christ's death. I felt hard inside. And let down by God sort of.

Sunday morning just felt like a regular old service and I was a bit nervous because I was singing a song at the end of the service and so mostly I was distracted by that but again was feeling rather uninvolved in this process, in this celebration. Frustrated that I could feel so distant from something that I had tried to prepare myself for 40 days.

But then Jenz got up at communion and spoke about how the Cross is God's way of saying "There, there it's going to be okay". He spoke of how normally that's a patronizing thing to say to someone but that in God's case it's the real truth. That when we look at the cross we can think, "It's all going to be okay. I've made it okay. All this suffering and frustration is eventually going to be okay because you will be with me. Here is your hope."

Over the weekend I talked more than usual with people about the big world issues, about the problem in Uganda, about world poverty and suffering and AIDS etc. I'm glad I was reminded of the hope. I can so easily forget about the truth I know when life or problems feel overwhelming. But God is not distant or removed from the suffering, he is in it, he experienced it by sacrificing his own son, by being torn apart. And he has given us the hope of knowing it's going to be okay, he has made a way for that to be possible.

I'll have a triple tall decaf 2 pump vanilla skim no foam extra hot latte

I was at a Second Cup the other day waiting for my coffee date to show up. So, of course, in my free time I people watched. i quite enojoy watching people interact trying to figure out who is on a date and who are just good friends. Or what these people might be like outside of this little coffee shops. My eye happened to fall on two 40/50 year old men having coffee next to my table. And they both just seemed so awkward, forcing themselves to talk and being mildly amused by each other. I don't know quite how to explain it but their exchanges were all off time, their bodies looked upright and uncomfortable, it seemed like they were trying really hard to enjoy this time but to no avail. And I started to wonder if these men were having coffee only because it seems like society has told them that they want to do this. That they want to sit in a coffee shop and discuss their lives, what they are thinking etc. I recognize that my question to follow is loaded with gender stereotyping and trying to fit people into neat little categories saying "All guys are like [blank]" but bear with me anyway. Their exchanges were quite painful to watch. And yes, they might have not known each other very well and were trying to bond, I get that. but here is my question anyway.

Do guys enjoy going out for coffee with other guys and sharing about their lives or is something that they are told they SHOULD be able to do or SHOULD like doing? Is this some society inflicted activity or is it something most men would choose?

(BTW: if you haven't seen Coffee and Cigarettes (the movie the picture is from) it is a worthwhile cinematic moment)

My eyes are dim I cannot see

I have recently read the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman in John 8, the one he does not condemn and then about Jesus washing his disciples feet a few chapters later. And normally when we read about washing feet we are told that we need to be that type of person, willing to do whatever for someone else. And the story about the women teaches us we should extend grace to everyone and that we are not to be ones who condemn. But I have been thinking about it in a little bit of a different way.

Last night as I was thinking about my day, I was struck by the thought that Jesus looks at me with that same compassion as he looked at that woman with. That he see me fresh from my sinful act, shameful in my sin and looks at me the same way. It was really moving to think about, maybe this is just the first time I had begun to get that story. I'm not really sure.

And then with Jesus washing his disciples feet I thought, this isn't just something jesus does for his disciples but something he wants to do for me. Jesus is okay with dealing with the grimiest part of me and he wants to do it. He wants to make me clean from these gross things. Letting someone wash or touch your feet is a humbling experience, it's a part of me that I'm used to dealing with myself. But Jesus wants to deal with that part of me. The stuff that I don't want to tell him about, the stuff I want to hide away, the stuff in my past that I'm sure is unforgiveable. The millions of ways I have screwed up and hurt other people and myself. He wants me to let him deal with it and take it away, it's not up to me to have to deal with it anymore, to clean it up myself. I need him to do it for me.

Recently I have been thinking that it would be easier to have the judgement for my sin, so that I might learn my lesson. It seems easier to accept punishment as opposed to forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Of course I don't want to be accept the punishment due my acts but grace can be so hard to swallow. I don't deserve it. But I don't think that God wants us to go around taking penance for our sin after we hav asked him for forgiveness, dragging our broken pasts around with us. He wants us to be free from it, he has forgiven it and we have to live like we are free.

I love that scene from "The Mission" where Robert De Niro's charater drags that weight up the mountain with him and finally someone cuts it off for him and he is free.

I want to be a person that looks at everyone with the same compassion Jesus looks at the woman with. Even the people who I think should know better, the ones who claim to know God and frustrate me. But more importantly I want to be able to let the reality of God's compassion penetrate my heart, soften it and allow him to continue to wash my feet, every day if that's how it has to be. I like to hope that with him I might be able to overcome some of these sins in my life, but if not I want to accept his love and forgiveness and learn to extend that to others. I want to see the world through his eyes but I also have to learn to see myself through his eyes which seems equally difficult.

Funny Simpsons

Now i know that some people have lost faith in the Simpsons as of recent, but i still watch faithfully and have been pleasantly surprised. Last week they had Ricky Gervais from the Office and he was so fantastically like his character. Brilliant and then last night's episode was all about Outsourcing and Homer moved to India to run the plant. Complete with a Bolly-wood moment at the end and. A funny line or two to share with you as my witty post of the day.

Homer speaking to East Indian Workers:
"Our factory will be so good we will be Untouchable"
Audience: Gasps in horror.

Mr Smithers: "Mr.Burns, I told you so."
Mr.Burns: Smithers, I believe "I told you so" has a brother named....."Shut the Hell up."

Long Live the Simpsons

Spring Rain

"Come let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but he will heal us;
he has injured us
but he will bind up our wounds.
After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will restore us,
that we may live in his presence.

Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge him.
As surely as the sun rises,
he will appear;
he will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth."
hosea 6:1-3

i have thought about these verses several times this week. We got a little rain up here but not as much as I would like. This verse is so fitting for Spring time it seems. The winter and life can often leave me feeling wounded or cracked and dry but there is hope with Spring somehow.

when the first real rain of the spring comes it has this ability to somehow wash away the memories of winter and the grime and dirt that accompanies it. there is something so beautiful about rain. the sound of it outside my window or on the roof of a cabin at camp, the feel of it falling on my face, the smell of the world after it rains and the freshness and new life is brings, the way it can soften a summer day and calm the dust that the dry heat can bring. it is such a gift.

It seems that after a winter we are all in need of refreshment, all in need of a fresh start. To get a chance to try it once more, to put things behind us and embrace the new moment that is now. We're all in need of a little more hope, of something to look forward to, of some warm sunlight on our face, for a game of ultimate frisbee outside in a park, or a bbq, or warm summer nights sitting by a campfire, of going to the beach, allowing the warm wind to blow on our face while we lie in the grass, or sharing secrets with someone while wrapped in a blanket watching the prairie starlit sky, sitting by a still lake in the moonlight, or catching fireflies dance about (i hope to see that at somepoint in my life). are you picking up what I'm putting down here?

there is the hope of new things ahead, and the world will be reborn infront of our eyes in the next little bit. God does promise to come to you like the fresh spring rain that waters the earth. and so that does not necessarily mean that everything will be peachy keen....but I think it does mean that new life will come in our lives, new little things will begin to grow. the winter might have left you deeply wounded or lost or alone but do try to open your eyes and look for the beautiful things around you in this fallen world. beauty can often be right there with sadness, and somehow it is easy to only see the sadness and miss the beauty. i want to be someone who sees everything in this world, who does not shy from the pain but who also chooses to see the beautiful things too. like rain in the Spring.

Poparazzi

I have to say that it is a shame that taking pictures of strangers is such a social faux-pas. I have encountered many strange, wonderful, beautiful and enigmatic scenes and characters recently and think, "Man i wish i had a camera with me." and then think, "Oh yeah, it would probably be creepy if I asked them to pose for me."

Today I was at McDonald's buying a tasty and celiac friendly mcGrill chicken Salad and there was a gentleman there that looked so much like Willie Nelson I could hardly believe it. Except on top of Willie's two braids, he had also braided his long beard in two. But seriously, I would have loved to have a picture of this intriguing person. And then the child next to me was so perfectly covered in ketchup and sitting barely eye level with his food on the table. Brilliant moment, but alas...no camera and so many societal issues with invasion of privacy.

Now if someone asked to take my picture I would be weirded out too. I totally get that. But still, there are so many unique individuals out there doing things that are alive and why shouldn't I be able to capture that on film. Taking pictures of nature is good, I enjoy it and have often gone for long walks in the river valley experimenting with a camera but....people are also wonderful things to photograph.

Perhaps this is just a Western Society thing but it seems to me to be an unwritten rule that keeps us from interacting with each other. From entering into each other's lives. Have you ever been on a bus and someone on the bus is crying or looks so stressed out but hesitated to say anything because they probably don't want to be bothered or they probably don't want attention drawn towards their pain. You know what i mean? But how horrible is it that I think that?

It seems that everyone I know is lonely in some manner or another, even the married ones. loneliness and isolation from other people is awful and so why not extend a healthy smile or moment of care. this is a significant problem in the church i think. loneliness is so awful because we don't have a ready solution for it, so we are most afraid to talk about that. you give someone food who is hungry or cloth someone who is cold, but lonelines...what can you do with that?

people are more willing to admit that they struggle with lust than with loneliness. it seems to be this all encompassing horrible feeling that we ignore in ourselves. but why is it so bad to be lonely? why do I feel like there is something wrong with me when I feel that way? Why is it so shameful to admit? it can be suffocating and awful, dark and despairing.

Loneliness is something that we each experience in our own way and probably will experience in some degree until we are with God. But, there are things that help I think. Being with people, caring about others is something that helps I think. We experience God's closeness through other people, in some strange and supernatural way that I cannot explain. And caring about people and being with them is not some opiate of the people to distract us until we die, I think it exactly the opposite, it is what we need. Yes we are all called individually before God but he has given us other people to help us along, to help push us towards him, to laugh and cry with, to share our loneliness.

And will we still feel lonely some days with no exact explanation why? Will we still feel lonely in a group of our closest friends? Probably, yes. That horrible feeling tends to pull us further and further away from people rather than towards them. We don't want anyone to know we are so desperately lonely, it means we're weak...shocking. and so we don't tell people and then we distance ourselves a little bit, we become fortresses of solitude, alone with our loneliness.

I have to fight this sort of thing all the time. But there really is something healing that happens inside of me if I choose to channel that loneliness into writing a letter for someone else, or call someone to go for coffee in the aims of finding out how they are doing. perhaps loneliness is our reminder that others are lonely too and need someone to take care of them.

we're all lonely in some way. lonely for God's presence, lonely for a close knit family, lonely for that special someone, lonely for something that we cannot express. i think it's a longing for a fully realized and tangible relationship with our Maker. so let us in our loneliness share each other's loneliness, share each other's joys and sorrows.

it is probably true that no human can ever fully know another human, but don't stop from trying to. Don't give up on allowing yourself to be known by people and to know other people.

Loneliness might be inevitable but i don't want to give up and just accept the isolation and loneliness. I have to force myself to let people know how i am doing, even if at somepoint they will let me down and I will let them down. And I have to force myself to still look out from that lonely feeling and think about other people. I want to strive to be for other people what I would like someone to be for me.
So let us relish the moments where we don't feel alone and share the moments when we do. as bruce says "you gotta kick at the darkness till it bleeds daylight."

Well that ended up being a little heavier than i expected.

In Conclusion: Hug a lonely person today. (or whatever your version of hugging someone is)

Don't you just hate pants?

Homer Simpson has asked himself that question many times. Well that's how I feel about shoes and socks for the most part.
But luckily - I got to wear sandals this week. sigh.

now some of you might not get care whether or not you are wearing sandals or shoes. But I love sandal weather and I love it so much I just might marry it. I like to wriggle my toes in freedom and without restriction. I will wear my sandals well into fall with a pair of warm wool socks and will resist the world of shoes as long as I can. So my feet are happy to be almost completely free. And on top of it being sandal weather it was also Spring Break this week.

I can't imagine what June must feel like...but it must be awesome because Spring Break feels pretty good. I don't think I had enough time to actually recover but it was nice to have a week off. I'm feeling the dread of going back, can't quite manage to think up a good lesson plan to teach about economic implications of imperialism on the imperialistic countries but i'm sure i'll figure something out.

But I got a chance to go to Calgary for some of the week. And got a chance to drive to Banff with my good friend Janess. How wonderful to see her and see her in the mountains. We sat at the Starbucks in Canmore with a lovely panoramic view of the mountains and then sat in the sun in a park in banff. the sun was so warm on my face and the wind smelled that lovely pine smell. So wonderful. It was exactly what I was hoping for. And I finished knitting my first ever sock. There is one more to go in the pair but it was good to feel like I could do it. now i can make them for other people and know that their feet are being kept warm even when I'm not there to warm them for them.

I've had a hankering to get to Starcreek Falls in the Crowsnest Pass recently. Wanted to hike up there, and enjoy the mist of a lovely waterfall. There are so many wonderous things in this world during the summer. There are beautiful things about the winter, but the winter is gone now and it's only up and up from here and I'm happy to see it go. I have such pessmistic tendancies though because part of me thinks, "Don't get too excited...it will be winter again soon enough." haha....oh well.
I'm happy it is spring, i am happy that life will come again to the world and inside of me. Spring just feels like a fresh start. A chance to try something new or try something again but without any expectation from things before. I don't know if that makes sense.
Spring also means that camp isn't too far away and then on to bigger and better plans like Nigeria perhaps! Whaaaa....insane to think about.
So things to do fully take spring in.

1. Drive through every puddle you can. Seriously, it's incredibly satisfying and I can't help but smile when I do it.
2. Wear sandals.
3. Look for the little specs of green that will begin to appear.
4. Sit outside in the sun and be still for a moment in the warmth. We're all in need of a little seratonin and Vitamin D.
5. Make sure to roll down your window and turn up your music. (of course maybe don't have the window down while you are driving through puddles.)
6. Buy someone a flower or two.
7. Take a moment to be thankful that you survived the winter months and there's nothing but sunny days ahead.

Here's to looking forward to being freckled and sunburned. And then hoping that the sunburn will turn into a tan.