I turned the lights out in my kitchen to signal the end of the day in this house. I like shutting the lights off and then blindly searching my way to my room, one last thrill before i call it a day i guess.
i went to see my friend Simon play at a coffee shop tonight. and his music made me feel alive. it reminded me of how wonderful playing and performing music can be, it reminded me of what an awesome feeling it is to express something in song, to move people with your voice. it reminded me that playing music could be fun and meaningful, and over the past four or five years I had forgotten that. music had become this awful thing filled with stress and inadequacy. and as i watched him play i thought, "i could never be as good at guitar as he is, i could never say something as eloquently as he did just there." and then after a while i thought....maybe it doesn't matter. maybe the only thing that matters is that i just play, that i just express all the things inside of me for no other reason than to just play.
it was strange to think that it didn't matter if someone was better than me or not. i think for the last four years I have been in the mindset that if i can't do it really well or better or at least the same as someone else, then there is no point in playing. but maybe...just maybe it doesn't matter. at one point in my life i just wanted to play, i enjoyed the rush of performing and the feeling of really nailing a piece of music.
i'm not done in this thought process and it didn't make all these things i have associated with music go away. but his music made me feel alive, reminded me of joy in the past and maybe me think that maybe i could enjoy playing music again. tonight was significant for me and so i thought it worthy of a blog post.
thanks simon. and thanks to God for bringing up these pleasant memories of days gone past.
6 comments:
you are very good at music. and I love it when you play. I hope you can love it too
i liked that one
i like that you are thinking those thoughts lisa. it makes me feel good inside.
michigan: thanks. big hug.
crippled: i can't wait for you to meet simon, i believe you will get along swimmingly.
joel: i am pleasantly surprised to see you posting on my blog. i feel priveleged as I believe it to be the first post i have ever seen of you anywhere. i'm thankful for these thoughts as well.
Dear Lisa,
I have lately been getting in this aweful mindset of some of those nasty thoughts of "if i'm not as good as that" kind of nonesense. those unproductive thoughts are so crippling. i think i have developed a pretty disrepectful self-image over the years, especially when i was in that ac cappella group, of feeling inadequate musically. anyway i think i know what you go through. i struggle with that alot. sometimes i just lie to myself and say "nathan, you are so talented and sure about your art go out and get 'em." I was even contemplating writing songs as a fabricated confident nathan who is really confident and sure of himself and his music as kind of an life acting stint. also you'll be as successful as sting because he was also a school teacher. really i think you should leave those nasty thoughts behind you and get on with writing and performing your songs. also if you want everthing to sound cool write songs in dorian mode. dorian mode rocks!
I too am one member of the legions of people that are in your fan club.
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