Pardeep

Pardeep is the name of the man that works at the Mac’s down the street from my house. He has worked there for at least the last five years. I remember when my roommates and I used to frequent that Mac’s on a regular basis and every night Pardeep would say good-bye with the usual, “Thank you, come again.” But on one night he said to me, “Thank you, see you tomorrow.” I was so embarrassed but the thing is…it was true. I would be there the next night for another Eatmore and a slurpee. I like him though. He always tries to sell me more stuff than I want to buy. You know, “two chocolate bars for 1.79” or something like that. But I just laugh and smile and say no. He is definitely the stereotypical Mac’s store clerk.

I have got to visit Pardeep a lot recently and have begun to idealize the Mac store clerk life. I like the idea of watching people. Knowing what people's secret delights or addictions are...you know? Only Pardeep knows about my recent switch in favorite candy bar. (see future blog about that) But he will also know the lady that comes in a buys a certain chocolate bar every day with a certain beverage, or which business man can't get enough dino-saurs, or the exact proportion of someone's slurpee. i don't know, for some reason these types of jobs appeal to me. Just like working at a video store.

I have a unique relationship with the Sneak Preview workers. We have these intimate conversations about life and movies and work and whatever else, but i have no idea what their names are. I recently saw one of them outside of the video store and of course we both knew each other, it was a funny moment but good that we varified to each other that we indeed have lives outside of movies. Sometimes I wish they didn't know me because when I return a video ridiculously late i feel ashamed that i have let my friends down at Sneak Preview....but they're quite understanding, like those random stranger friends should be.

jarring

smells, sights, sounds, touch, taste...they can all do it to you. they can transport you back in time to another place or even to when you were another person. it's strange how easily that can happen. one moment you are in the present, the next you see a picture or smell something and suddenly you are back in gr.7 feeling all awkward and insecure or perhaps back just a few years ago in the summer of 2002 and for that split second everything is different, everything is how it was then. it can be overwhelming.

it's so involuntary that i almost feel taken advantage of by my senses. annoyed that they did not warn me they were going to transport me back deep into my memory, back to things i had forgotten.

There are crisp May mornings that make me feel like I'm in elementary and should be walking to school.

The smell of sweaty horses and musty barns makes me think of my rodeo days with my dad before I was five. i love that smell.

A perfume worn by the girl i stayed with in France. it reminds me of speeding around Toulon, France on a scooter well past midnight with her perfume filling my sense as I held on to her with all my might. Or even just a cologne of someone I once knew.

There are pictures that are suprising to see because i had forgotten how that person looked or how they smiled and then memories literally flood my brain.

The smell of lilacs makes me feel like i'm in gr.12 again. taking a walk around the neighbourhood with my friend Dan during our spare.

now i have given you the nice ones but there are also some that aren't so nice, ones that make me feel so vulnerable again, that make my heart sink because i have tried so hard to forget that thing that happened, the way i felt at that point etc. etc. these memories still have the ability to remember how much that situation hurt so deep inside and sometimes i let the thoughts do their thing and dance around in my head and conjure up images long gone and moments in the deepest part of my brain. and sometimes i try so desperately to put them from my head and bottle them up with the hope that the lid will not come off again.

the happy memories that I have make me smile involuntarily and laugh in my head at the funniness of the situation, or how much i dearly love that person or thing i used to do. or ones that can make me feel invigorated and alive. i am thankful for those. but after my most recent experience has left my subdued and sad inside. and to those ones i say this:

Dear Memory,
Please leave me alone, i don't want you anymore.

Guts

At our spring retreat this week I had an amazing experience that left me speechless. It's a good thing to share these moments and so I will do so now.

We had a chapel session at the retreat to end things off and a student came up to me and asked if she could speak with me. At the beginning of the year I had some definite trouble with this student, showing up late, not handing assignments in, talking in class, attitude etc. And they definitely caused me some frustration in class. Anyway, the student comes up to me and tries to begin their sentence but before they can start they begins to cry. And just said, "Ms.Bennett...I just wanted to apologize for this year. I feel like i have been very disrespectful and said disrespectful things and treated you poorly and I feel like God is really weighing it on my heart to tell you this right now. So I'm sorry." And they're crying and I'm sitting here thinking...."weird, I didn't realize I would ever get an apology for something like that." and i didn't know what to do. it's not very often that we confess things to each other.

it took a lot of courage to do it. i don't know if i would have had enough courage and humility to do that when I was 17. it made me want to do it more, to be big enough and humble enough to tell people that I have messed up and to seek their forgiveness.

so i don't have a funny story but to me this was an amazing thing. a little apology that i think is worth posting. taught me a good lesson. and also taught me that I don't know how to let people ask me for forgiveness, even that was humbling. i worry that it is something that is so foreign to me and to my experience, confession and forgiveness to another human being. especially when it is so fundamental to our beliefs. i have had a few times where i have confessed things to a friend. sometimes it has gone really rough and took years to fix, and sometimes it has been an amazingly freeing thing. either way i think being honest was the right thing to do. it heals both the sinner and the one sinned against.
so on wednedsay through tears and broken pride i experienced grace from a student. it left me with nothing to say. it was a strangely beautiful thing.

Behind and Ahead

This week in life:
-Spring Retreat, hoping to have a funny story to share with you all
-watch a Luke or Owen Wilson film. they're fantastic. I watched The Family Stone last night and was reminded of how much I like Luke Wilson.
Quote of Luke's from Bottle Rocket where he explain why he ended up going to an aylum:
"One morning, over at Elizabeth's beach house, she asked me if I'd rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life."
-three day school week.....yippeee!
-academic update marks are due by friday....booooooo!
-X-MEN THREE COMES OUT THIS WEEK!
-2 home games for the oilers.....can anyone smell the next series?

other than that life is going well which reduces the amount of deep and heavy thinking i do, or atleast reduces the amount i feel the need to write about it. i think i blog better when life is rough or a struggle.

it was a good weekend:
-good pizza and people to hang out with
-beautiful day in the sun at the legislature in the water and sun
-owned at Bochi Ball
-sat in the grass and had a lovely unplanned and unscheduled Friday night
-lay on the ground and had enough time to listen to all of Richard Strauss' Metamorphosen. (27 minutes long)
-looked at a lot of good books at chapters which makes me excited to spend August reading.
-watched the hockey game on whyte ave with a pint of cider and some lovely friends. and we won! booyah.
-watched the High Level waterfall in all its splendor on Sunday night.

The only thing this weekend was missing, if it was missing anything, was some fireworks. but in all honesty, i didn't really miss them. the weekend managed to pass at a perfect rate, not too fast and not too slow. It actually felt like a long weekend. sigh. such a lovely gift.

okay, that's all really. nothing too new or exciting but life is really pleasant, with the usual ups and downs but the coping capability that the summer and lovely new and old friends bring.

i'm out.

I'll take my humble pie with a cherry on top

I have been thinking about integrity recently, actually a lot. I think it probably has to do with being a teacher and talking about these significant subjects with my students on a regular basis. I had a conflict with a student this week that spread itself over three days, and although I believe that I conducted myself well in the situation I can shake the feeling that this conflict we have might sit deeply in her brain of how Christians act. Could I have shown more compassion? Did my pride get in the way of the discussion in some ways? If Jesus had had a student physically challenge him how would he have reacted?

I want to be a person of integrity, who lives out this Jesus thing in real life, who is consistent and an upright human being. I mean I’m okay with being real, and letting them know I mess up but when you deal with discipline in the classroom, or are confronted by a student it’s easy to loose your cool, to demand your rights as a human being. And it’s hard to be compassionate, to love, to be gracious. It’s hard to look at them and think “Man, you come from such a broken home…no wonder you act like this. No wonder you think people are always out to get you.” But sometimes I am not good at it but I want to be. Even if a student and I disagree I want to be able to still walk out of it thinking that I acted like Jesus would, acted in accordance with my faith.

But I guess I am human and bound to mess up, sometimes I just wish I could give these kids the most amazing example so that they would want to really live this Christian thing, that they would want to get out of this apathy that they live in. So that God can use me to speak his life into them. I guess I just hope that he does in some way, even if I mess up, and that I can be given the humbleness of heart to go back and fix it when I mess up. I have done it a few times and it’s harder than with my peers. But it’s a good lesson. Oh that humble pie.

Summer nights

i spent a lovely evening outdoors on our deck yesterday.  it was so lovely just to sit and breath in the sweet blossom summer air, the trees in my backyard are in full blossom right now. this is my favorite time of year I think. As you sit there, little white petals fall on your face and in your hair. I love the long days of sunlight we get up here in the arctic :)

in summer time it seems that the world is at peace and I believe that he is right. that's exactly what last night was....peaceful. and i needed a peaceful moment after the day I had. My stomach was feeling a bit off but somehow the summer night soothed my body and my soul. a little gift from God. pleasant company on a warm summer evening, what more could one ask for.

it is beautiful in the summer in edmonton. and perhaps it is more beautiful because of the winter we have to go through. we are more thankful and drink in more summer moments because it does not last that long.

last night as i sat there i thought that it almost seems that during the summer there is less evidence that we live in a fallen world , that when we look outside now we get a picture of how God intended the world to be and intends the world to be again one day. there is more life, more growth. make sure to drink in these summer moments.

i have put a few summer quotes on here. listed in order of my least favorite to my most favorite. you can imagine the ones about june actually are about may.

In summer, the song sings itself. ~William Carlos Williams

Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. ~John Lubbock

What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade. ~Gertrude Jekyll

The summer night is like a perfection of thought. ~Wallace Stevens

If a June night could talk, it would probably boast it invented romance. ~Bern Williams

Feeding Frenzy

okay so that's the only clever title i could come up with that had to do with sharks and oilers. I guess that title actually makes it sound like the oilers are being devoured by the sharks. but my friends, that is definitely not the case. no, no, no, we are killing. 6-3 two games in a row. that's got to be psychologically damaging to a team.
now i don't know how the series will turn out and I'm not claiming victory yet. but it makes for enjoyable hockey and surprising hockey. I was saying to my friend David that we might get to watch a game together in the third round and then we both remarked how ridiculous it was to think that there might be a third round for the oilers. i never say this one coming.

now some of you might be surprised to see me writing about hockey but over the last year I have regained my fondness for the sport. the fondness that i have not felt since i watched Paul Coffey in the early Oiler years. he's my favorite hockey player of all time. i seem to have a thing for defensemen. in soccer and hockey i tend to like defensemen better: Yapp Stam, Melchiot, Staios and Morreau (my starbucks buddies) and most importantly Paul Coffey (which has nothing to do with starbucks) .

Anyway, i digress...in short i have watched a lot of hockey this year. we have watched a lot of games here this year which might have to do with the fact that i'm charming and interesting to talk to....or that i have a projector in my basement. either or it has been fun to watch, fun to follow and most importantly fun to think that they are in the second round and could possibly go for a third round.

So Go Oilers Go!



(is it sacrilegious to put a picture of the pope holding a hockey stick on your blog? for some reason there was a moment of hesitation. but i think it's a funny picture.)

Diminutive

This poem is dedicated to those of you out there who think I am ridiculously small. I figured it was a good Friday poem.

One Inch Tall

If you were only one inch tall, you'd ride a worm to school.
The teardrop of a crying ant would be your swimming pool.
A crumb of cake would be a feast
And last you seven days at least,
A flea would be a frightening beast
If you were one inch tall.

If you were only one inch tall, you'd walk beneath the door,
And it would take about a month to get down to the store.
A bit of fluff would be your bed,
You'd swing upon a spider's thread,
And wear a thimble on your head
If you were one inch tall.

You'd surf across the kitchen sink upon a stick of gum.
You couldn't hug your mama, you'd just have to hug her thumb.
You'd run from people's feet in fright,
To move a pen would take all night,
(This poem took fourteen years to write--
'Cause I'm just one inch tall).

Shel Silverstein

A Tipping Of The Hat

i would like to take a moment out of this lovely day to tip my hat to the old gentlemen in this world. i have a break during the day and end up doing my grocery shopping or what have you in the middle of the day which is prime time for the seniors of the world to be out and about.

and one of the things i really love is seeing these little men who wear their hats and cardigans and step aside to let me through and act like gentlmen. they are very adorable and maybe if i'm really good someone will let me take one home with me. i like that they wear their hats out and that they still believe in dressing up when they go out. i know that i am proned to wanting to wear my sweat pants out a lot of the time and for dressing up to sometimes entail wearing jeans but i love the old men. and they are so lovely to their wives, helping them on with their coats and treating them so well. i love observing it and i love the little old men. there is something specifically wonderful about a man helping a lady on with her coat and a man standing up at a table when a woman walks in the room.

Now i am willing to admit that there are definitely things girls should be doing as well, not sure what they are but you can let me know if you think about it. i realize it's a two way thing. but anyway, the old men are fantastic.

so let us tip our hats to these men. the forefathers of our time. let us tip it in honor of looking stellar when they grocery shop, for treating me such chilvary and for making my day by just existing.

what were you doing last may?

First things first:
thank you to all who responded to my blog question. I appreciate you revealing your identity. i know that some of you are still out there but never left an anonymous post, but that's okay. your secret is safe with me.

Okay so it is time for a new blog. something pithy, something worth saying.

the skies have brought rain to edmonton as of recent. the world is transforming itself, declaring it's new self in a beautiful electric green, the first colors of spring. it amazing how the world can look dry and brown for quite a long time and then all of a sudden you realize that there are leaves on the trees and flowers growing in the gardens and spring has come.

this rain has made me want to be in England, amongst the quirky british folk and their lush green land. i was in england a year ago now. it is strange to think about what life was like this time last year, and strange to think that it doesn't feel that long ago and yet so much has happened. I feel as though I am quite a different person from last year in May. I have gained some valuable life experience, learned some important lessons, gained more of God's peace inside and I have a few more scars to show.

my ideas about life are different then they were then. i am not worried about the same things i was worried about then. i think i actually worry less. i am somewhat concerned as to where i will be in the fall but i have come to realize that nothing is certain and that what I need to be doing is being faithful with whatever i have in front of me now. i need to be faithful with the minds i shape as a teacher or with the trust that some of these broken kids have bestowed on me and so on and so forth. and i have learned that the moment i need to take a hold of is now. that i cannot stop myself from loving people or letting them know i care about them, hoping to do so at somepoint in the future. I have right now with them and that is all that i am certain of.

as i look back at this past year it seems to be easily mapped out like the cycle of seasons. moments of beautiful summer, dark winter and a spring. and that this abundant life God offers us means that we should celebrate more and mourn more and experience life in it's entirety. i often want to migrate south to avoid life's winter. but this year I have learned that only by surviving the winter can you hope to see the spring. i have learned more about being able to struggle through the pain and not avoid it, that life is not about shoulds and should nots but about living. that the great thing about Christianity is being able to stare pain right in the face and say "I know there is more than this." and that it is not about fixing one another but about helping each other accept wherever ever they're at, about giving people room to change and grow and allowing myself to do that same.

It killed the cat I hear

Hello Readers,
This is a post for you, that's right you. The one who is staring at this bright screen perhaps in a dark room late at night, or after a long days work. This one is for you.

I have to confess something to you all. I hope there are enough of you that I can refer to you as "you all". My confession is this...I am curious. I am filled with curiosity and that eventually trickles over into my blogging world. I know that many of you might read this blog and enjoy your complete ghost-persona where no one knows you have read it and where you can just read and enjoy. And I want you to be able to maintain that secret blog life that you live. I hold no ill will against you.

But at the same time I am incredibly curious to know who reads it. Some of you post and that is lovely but it seems that posts have become fewer and farther between. Ian says that you shouldn't post serious comments because people won't post on them and then you will be disappointed and perhaps he is right. AND perhaps there is nothing to say sometimes and I can understand that for sure.

So here's the deal. If you read this blog, you can leave me an anonymous message that has some secret inside joke that only you and I will know and then atleast I will know what curious creatures read this blog from time to time. I suffer from curiosity. what can I say? You don't even have to leave your name, just something that I might know about you so that I know who is reading this. Is that fair?

I hope this doesn't violate some sort of blogging law or right. but if you read, please post....just this once. one little thing. no pressure, no need for some deep thought that you might feel embarassed to share on a blog..... just a little note. you can leave just your name if you like. that's fine too. or a post. just leave your mark however you choose.

i look forward to hearing from you. thank you to those that comment on occasion. i love you all, those that post and those that don't. to each his own. and i am willing to admit that only a few reads this and that's okay. i will probably continue writing i imagine.