There are so many things that go unsaid in movies. And I find this excruciating. I realized just how difficult I find this when I was watching Music and Lyrics last night. (I liked the film but that is besides the point). I made this realization during the classic romantic/comedy moment when the lovers have separated over some argument or stubbornness, and the music plays while they show several scenes of them listlessly trying to piece their lives together without the other.

You see in movies the girl or boy always walks away before the person can wrap their toungue around whatever they were going to say, or there is some miscommunication that causes the lovers to separate and if they just called each other up and said what they were thinking it would all be sorted out. But instead they sit by windows as it rains and drink coffee in a catatonic state.

I loathe things going unsaid. I think it is why I hate the OC and those sorts of shows, so many things not communicated, people don't say what really happened or what they're really thinking. Arrrrggghhhh. I mean, although I love the Office, the entire Jim and Pam thing is based around people not saying what they should and Pam just not owning up to the fact that she loves Jim.

And these parts in movies are even more unbearable is that the reality of things going unsaid resonates deeply within me. Those things that I wish i had said to that person several years ago or that i wish even now I had the guts or wisdom to say. You know what i mean? When you just didn't say what you were actually thinking, when I acted in my better judgement and was not completely honest, when I tried to separate myself from my feelings and make the decision I thought I "should" make.

My mother, bless her soul, always tells me that I should start living what I WANT to do and not what I SHOULD do. but it's hard to get out of that habit because I have lived the way i thought I SHOULD for so long. However, in that time i think i have let some people go that i shouldn't have, and kept others when they were obviously bad for me. And I'm not just talking romantic here.

But I sometimes i think...if i left myself to what I wanted we would be in a sad state because I am a person who struggles with my flesh. sometimes it feels like i do the opposite of what I want to do because I don't trust my own judgement on what is good and right.

C.S. Lewis writes the following passages "We have been like bathers who want to keep their feet - or one foot- or one toe- on the bottom, when to lose that foothold would be to surrender themselves to a glorious tumble in the surf."

Perhaps I need to let go a little bit, trust that doing what I want could actually be a giving of God's glorious freedom to me, and not live in this guilt and "should" mentality.

As to what becomes of the things that have gone unsaid between me and other people, I am not sure. I do not yet possess the wisdom to reconcile those situations and have some sense that time will continue to give me that wisdom. I hope.

For now, I will try and lift my feet off the ocean floor and surrender myself to the surf.

So I'll start a revolution from my bed

Things that can be currently found in my bed right now.
-an Eeyore stuffed animal
-a dog stuffed animal
-one slipper
-three socks
-a hair dryer
-a towel on one pillow
-a bible
-a rice bag
-'till we have faces by C.S Lewis
-2 hudson's bay blankets
-a set of flannel sheets
-a comforter
-four pillows, two for show, two for sleeping...and only one that i really sleep on.
-me

And on top
-a brown hoodie
-one down vest
-one army green jacket

So what have i learned from this realization? My bed is too big. I can sleep with all these sorts of things in my bed quite comfortably and never even run into them. The socks and slippers and rice bag are just out of reach of my feet so i have to dig around to find them, or they just rest there never to be found again....until i wash my sheets i guess.

And then I rest whatever book i am reading on the extra pillow i have. it's like a soft, cuddly shelf in your very own bed. Lovely thing. I can even rest my glasses there in the evening and my watch, that i use as an alarm. But my glasses and watch are currently on my person so i did not include them.

Hair dryer..well..that's for extra warmth in the cold evenings. nothing like heating up your bed with a hair dryer. it's good for people like me who have ice running through their veins or were born without the talent of creating their own heat.

So that's what my bed is like. a nice place to be if you are cold or are in need of some reading material. there's definitely for a few people in there. you will have to bring your own food but i can't even begin to tell you what i have within reach of the bed that would take too long. but there are some tasty M&M's very close by.

Winter Jacket Day

By the title of this post you might think I'm going to talk about how today was cold and you needed a winterjacket, but you would be wrong, so very very wrong.
Winter Jacket Day is a term I have for a sort of day I experience everyonce and a while. So hold on, this is going to be good. Or at least...it will allow my to communicate with some of you much more efficiently if you understand this.

I'm not a big fan of winter jackets, I lived a whole year of school by only wearing a vest, hooded sweatshirt, scarf and mitts. I didn't want to have to wear a winter jacket. And as I stood there freezing in -20'C weather at 7:30 in the morning I was confident in my choice of clothes.

Have any of you had the experience where you need something from the back seat of your car and you reach back and cannot quite get it because your winter jacket gets in the way? And you know if you weren't wearing this huge jacket you would be able to reach it. Or you are walking up a tobogganing hill with your whole winter get-up on and it is taking forever, and you can't walk quite right because it feels like your clothes weigh so much, and your too warm or uncomfortable and yet cannot get away from these clothes you are wearing? Or you are moving someone's stuff in the winter, outside and you're winter clothing is causing every movement to be hindered in its fullness.

Well, I experience this a lot. I find winter jackets suffocating, they restrict every moment you make and sometimes when you are trying to get it off it feels like you might not ever be able too because it's stuck to you somehow, it has become one with your person, your whole person is restricted. In that moment of frustration I think of Arizona, where I could be completely warm with only a bathing suit on. I believe that does not help the situation and only increases the annoyance.

And sometimes, even when I'm not wearing a winter jacket I have that same feeling, that feeling of being restricted, suffocated, a lack of freedom. I never know quite what causes it but somedays that's just how i feel. most often in the winter. Those are winter jacket days. Those days when your person feels restricted somehow, unable to be free.

Now, after all that explanation I can say....today was a winter jacket day for me.