E-I-E-I-O

When I was a kid I remember thinking my grandpa was the most amazing person I knew because he could take a hand-full of sunflower seeds and somehow only spit out the shells afterwards, and in remarkably fast time. I couldn’t figure it out because they just tasted gross when I chewed them up in my mouth. And I loved watching his hands while he worked or drove the tractor. They are rough, thick farmer hands that know how to work and have seen many hours of sun and cold. I loved them.

I got to spend a little time at the farm yesterday and made a trip to the hayloft with my cousins. The farm is a strange place in some ways. Right near the entrance of the barn we met with several remnants of sheep that had been butchered and an entire cow head. It was strange to see it and realize that it was real, not some Hollywood replica. And then of course the farm dog comes over and starts eating the head right in front of us. Sigh…nature at its best.

In the hayloft there is a rope tied to the ceiling and you can climb up on some hay bales, put your foot in the loop at the end and swing across the hayloft. I have been doing this same thing my entire life although now I might be just a little bit taller. And while I was swinging yesterday I realized how lucky I was to have a place in life that has not changed over the last 23 years. The feeling of the air pulling my hair across my face or the smell of the air as I swing through it is exactly how I remember it.

Not many people have a place that has stayed so constant and dependable in their life. Almost everything else in life changes. But the farm is a place where I can go and know that the concrete basement floor will still be that same cool on my feet, that the front deck will still smell the same in the heat of the sun, and that the sheets will smell and feel the same as I lie down to go to sleep. It's safe somehow and I like that.

The memories I have from growing up at the farm were formed in a time when I didn't know bad things could happen, before anything in life went wrong or got messed up and they're beautiful memories. Being pulled on a sled behind a tractor through snowy fields and hanging on for dear life, sleeping summer nights in the hayloft and building forts. I think I will sleep one night in the hayloft this summer.

I often have these moments where I feel for a second that everything is going to be okay, that things will sort themselves out, that someone is in control and I don't need to worry. I had one of those moments yesterday.

I have been wrestling for a while with this feeling that I don't know who I am anymore or something, not comfortable in my own skin. But for a moment while swinging on that rope I felt like I knew where I had come from and that this is who I was and that it’s okay to be this.

I know that change is inevitable and that change is a good thing many times. But I relished the moment of being in a place where everything was familiar. I felt peaceful and I didn't want to leave.

I hope that i can become this for someone else. i'm okay with change but i like the idea of being constant or creating somewhere constant for other people.

Repeat

Have you ever felt like you are living life in repeat. You know that you do the same old, same old? That life is full of movies, going for coffee, movies, and maybe playing the occasional game of soccer or cards?
Now don't get me wrong. I really like watching movies and I like movies that are poignant, that make me laugh or make me think, or even better...that do both. I like being with people and sharing life over a cup of coffee. These are all good things.

But I also have stopped being creative in what I do and how i live life. And luckily I have some very lovely people to spend time with but I just want to make sure we aren't missing out on something bigger and even better.

I will venture to say that rich and meaningful relationships and interaction with people is what gives life it's meaning, but maybe there is more than just that. Perhaps it is having adventures and doing crazy things or maybe it's all about perspective. I have been wanting to write a blog about how life is a matter of perspective, but that will come later on.

I will also venture to say that this repeating feeling might be directly related to cabin fever. Honestly I think that an actual activity i might plan with someone is to go running barefoot through a field of nice grass and lie down and watch the sky, or perhaps to just go for a walk in sandals. But that hasn't happened quite yet. But still......

I have been thinking for a very long time (like a year) about a verse where Jesus says, "I have come that you might have life and have it to the full." And so it seems to me that he is saying that whatever we were living before Jesus wasn't half of what he is offering us. And yet often my life seems less exciting or just the same as people who don't know about Jesus and what he offers. And I want to figure out what it means but at the same time I think, "What does this look like in reality, what does this look life in every day life?"

I have many ideas on this subject. But i would like to poll my blog audience for what you think it means. And perhaps to collect a bunch of ideas that are much beyond the regular movie watching, same old, same old. I like the same old, same old but we all need a little spice in life. It's funny how we want to change and so we say that instead of always going to one place for coffee we will spice it up by going somewhere else for coffee...which is fine and good. But what about something other than going for coffee?

long winded

i apologize for the long blogs as of late...thanks for continuing to read

you know that scene from office space?

Have you ever seen that part in Office Space when the little guy freaks out at the photocopier? Well the first time i watched it I thought..."ha, ha, funny little man...you are silly." and now i think about that part and think "poor, poor little man. i feel your pain." these photocopiers are no laughing matter.

you see...i'm may not be the brightest person I know but I got an 85% average in high school and graduated in the top 15% of my faculty....which is education i know...but still. It means that I am smarter than some. And yet, this photocopier seems to reduce me a person that questions everything, their compentancy, their worth as a human, just because my copies get jammed everytime.

Sometimes I feel like it's a conspiracy against me. that the two photocopiers get together late at night in the basement of the school. Perhaps they put on belaclavas and there is a swinging light overhead. And they plan out the day. They plan that the same teacher Science teacher will come in and find me struggling with the KM-5530 and make a direct correlation between being a humanities teacher and an incompetent human being.

You would think that if you sent some tests to be copied two sided and stapled that it wouldn't be too much to ask. I mean it's the machine's flippin job.

We all have our jobs in life, we all have something we are designed to do. I keep it real every day without fail. That's my job.

But this photocopier doesn't do its job. And when things can't do their job anymore we should get rid of them. Just like in the Industrial Revolution, a laborer gets hurt we get rid of them. I'm sure there are plenty of other photocopiers out there waiting to take its place.

There is only one difference between the KM-5530 and the factory owners of 1850. When they get rid of the KM-5530 I plan to take my good friends and the machine out to a field and beat the photocopier to a bloody pulp (or toner-ed pulp). You couldn't do that to a worker during the Industrial Revolution what with all the labour laws and "equal rights of the individual" or something silly like that.

And another thing. If you are a person that uses a photocopier and you just leave it jammed....shame, shame, shame. These sorts of things make baby Jesus cry. They're white collar crime and I won't stand for it any longer.

But luckily I am the human and I will be victorious. I will not be taken in by your sleek beige outside and your fancy touch screen. Oh no, i have seen your evil ways and I will have my revenge. Although you are winning now and making me an hour late for my next appointment I will win. I will show you and all your photocopy friends.

(there is a chance that this rant is a result of the fact that I need to get out a little more)

What on earth are we doing?

(Disclaimer 1: i think that the Church (the body of God) can be a beautiful thing. that God has put us together to undo the evil that has happened in the world, to help him make all things new. the Church can bring healing and restoration to the world and that is amazing. that is fantastic and wonderful)

(disclaimer 2: the school i work at is a good school and the staff there are great. but the following post needed to be posted because it speaks of a bigger problem than just today.)

I had a strange experience today. i was in a church service and i was so bothered by the experience that i couldn't even stay in the room the entire time. i think i was actually angry and anger is not a normal response for me.

the service was going on and at first the music was super super loud so that no one had any idea what was going on and it all seemed very chaotic, not celebratory. Then there was a mimed skit with crazy images projected and people doing karate moves or something and I didn't understand it at all. Now i know that I am not the most intellectual scholar but I believe I should be able to understand a skit that is about some theme in Christianity. I mean you know who Satan is...he's the guy in a hood or in black. But other than that...well it just seemed to add to the confusion. And they didn't even explain it. It seemed all so foolish and maybe it spoke to someone...but that someone was definitely not me.

And the whole thing bothered me. I just thought, "what are we telling these kids about Christianity?" Are we telling them that this is all it's about. It's about a worship leader who is taken away by the music so that people don't even know what is going on anymore? that praising God is about singing the word "freedom" over and over and over again at the front of the room. What if someone doesn't enjoy singing, does that mean they can't meet with God? Of course not...but i think this is often what we tell people. meeting God is through singing and a sermon. And telling them they have to stand and have to respond to the altar call, that true commitment to God is shown by standing. and perhaps the only reason they are standing is because someone in an influential position tells you to stand?

I think that asking for a commitment and maybe an altar call might have it's place. I think calling people up for healing and prayer is great. But asking people to stand every time, and every week....why the hell does it matter if they stand up or not. Doesn't God look at the heart and not at the outward appearance. Is it just so we can see if God was actually working....because maybe he wasn't? If we believe that God is using us when we preach or that God is changing hearts why do we care if we get to see it or not. Shouldn't we just be able to trust that he is working?

As all of this was going on I looked over at one of the students that claims to have no desire for a relationship with God and it broke my heart to think she had to be here for this. I hated what message this was giving her. I felt isolated and disjointed and confused and like everything around me was fake, as if I was in the middle of "Saved". And here she was, and this has been all she has ever seen of Christianity. Her home life is messed up and she has been in Christian schools her entire life, no wonder she doesn't want God in her life.

And I wanted so badly to run over to her and tell her that this isn't what it's about, to tell her that God loves her. But she has heard that so many times that it probably wouldn't even make a dent. And I think that's the point where I got angry.

I was angry that this is what we tell people Christianity is about. That's it's about a group of people that are in some special club who are experiencing God more than you are at this moment. That they have it all together. that's what is looked like, as if the worship team had it totally together. as if things were perfect and wonderful and everything was right. Church should be a place where someone can open the service with "how many of you guys had a hard time getting here this morning...I know I did?" or even beginning the service with a prayer of confession and admitting that things aren't perfect but thanking God that he will meet with us anyhow.

I almost committed to never going to church again and taking some of these kids and build houses on Sunday for homeless people or work in soup kitchens and be in community, serving God. Being part of the solution rather than some fake, confusing display. It felt commercial and it felt awful and it made me angry. We show these kids that all our relationship with God is about is hanging out with Christians, going to church and going to youth group. But that's not it at all!!!!!!! arggggg......

Now maybe I shouldn't have let it fester, and let it take over me. But everything started to annoy me about it, even the font he used to put up verses on the overhead. And he's talking about "getting into jesus" and I'm just thinking...I don't even know what he is talking about. he's mostly just telling a bunch of stories where he is screaming into the microphone. and this church service sure wouldn't want me to get into Jesus. It felt like we had forgotten about God or something.

I want these kids to know truth, basic, stripped to the bone, rich truth. Not some display of entertainment. Not a slide show of a bunch of random pictures with booming music. And yet we try and entertain them, just like the rest of the world. But why would they want something that is like the rest of the world.

I wish I could convey why it made me so angry but I don't even really know. I was just mad that this is what people think that Christianity is about. And I do not claim to have it all figured out but I do know that it isn't about PISS (Praise Induced Spirituality Syndrome). No wonder people are wondering if this is all that there is when they go to church. I wouldn't go to church if this is what it was like. I don't feel like this at my church or I haven't yet and I'm thankful for that.

But seriously, does anyone know what i'm talking about? or perhaps I am alone in my cynicism and maybe I am wrong. I can handle that too. But it just left me thinking "What on earth are we doing? this is bizarre."

p.s. thanks if you got to the end. i appreciate you reading these ramblings.

To everything turn, turn, turn...there is a season

I have been thinking about this a lot and now I'm just going to say it....sometimes I get really excited about my relationship with God and yet even as I type that I feel foolish or something. I think I feel silly telling people how excited I can get about God and what he is doing and what he wants to do in this world and that he wants me to be a part of it. I think it makes me feel simple or something, that people must think I'm shallow because I'm not struggling with something right now.

And the reality is...of course I'm struggling. Can I make sense of Romans 13 where it talks about God putting authorities in place...when Hitler or Stalin were in charge? No I can not make sense of that. Do I understand where I am going in life or why things are the way they are in my life right now? Nope...not at all.

But I know one thing. I know that God is good. Whatever else it is that is going on in this world I know he is good. And sometimes I have to say that with tears in my eyes because of my inability to understand how pain or heartache can be good.

But I know that he is good. And by stating that I don't think I'm denying something or being dishonest. He is good, he loves this world and he loves me.

And tonight when I was reading in Romans at Growth Group and listening to Wayne talk about God, I got excited. I got excited about the possibility of learning to live like Romans 12 talks. learning how to love people, and have my life oriented around God's plan of undoing the evil in this world. That he wants me to be apart of this renewing that he is doing in the world. that I can get involved in what he is already doing. often I think i need to create something good to be doing for God...but, as Bono says, "Get involved in what God is doing because it's already blessed." I love that idea that God is already doing something.

And when I look at the stuff it says in Romans or look at Jesus' life I am just overwhelmed by the reality of how much better way this is to live. How caring about other people and not about myself is the better way to live. How else can I fully experience God until I get myself out of the way? Until I learn that what i need is more of him and less of me. And of course God has the better plan in life, the better purpose.

This is a God that is restoring things and making things new. And perhaps we can say that we can't see it because there are so many people dying in the world. But he's there and he's moving. And maybe it seems like nothing is happening because we need to get out there and be apart of it and see the results.

You know...maybe we don't see things happening in our own lives, we don't see miracles because we're not really out there being active in our faith. We need to be out there doing something rather than demanding that God meet us in our living room, demand that he meet us in our comfortable lifestyles. And can he meet us in these places....absatively posilutely. But as my dad says, "If you do what you've always done. You'll get what you've always gotten."

Anyway, my point of all this wasn't to talk about that necessarily. I wanted to talk about how we shouldn't be afraid to celebrate. Or maybe I shouldn't be afraid to celebrate that God moved me tonight, that I felt excited about how things could be, that he gave me hope. And tomorrow I might awake and feel frustrated but tonight....I felt encouraged. And on Sunday i was encouraged by communion. There seems something really right about people getting up and talking about what God is doing in their lives or what they are having a hard time with or whatever. It is meaningful and rich and I like that. And it's not all weird, touchy/feely stuff. It's just people talking about what God is teaching them, praying with each other and remembering God. It felt good to be in a community of people and have a chance to be apart of that. I'm glad we have it.

I don't want to be afraid to celebrate. I guess I sort of feel like people might be annoyed if I share that something is going well and that it only seems to be appropriate to share the struggles. I don't want to trivialize anyone else's struggle by sharing that at this very moment in time I am encouraged. But hopefully when I am having a hard time or am confused and frustrated someone else can speak into my life by telling me how God is alive and working in theirs. i want to rejoice and mourn with my friends. But I have to be willing to do both, I cannot be ashamed of either.

Maybe i should plan a party, a day long or weekend long party in honor of all things good in this world. Anyone want to plan it with me? or be invited? if we planned it well enough perhaps nice people that we know from other cities could come. and we could eat good food, have a dance party, run around and play sports, or games, or plan a car rally, or watch funny or moving movies. This sounds like a lot of fun. anyway, maybe we need to do this everyonce and while too.

I don't have it all figured out and I have no idea what I'm doing in life right now. But I am thankful that i serve a God that can penetrate that confusion, remind that his way is better than my way. that i need to trust him and that he loves me. and perhaps that is all i need to know. i am still aware that i live in a fallen world and things are not blissfully perfect right now. but like a flower growing in a garbage dump, God's beauty is still here in this world. I am thankful that he has left it and I'm thankful that he left his holy Spirit to be in me. I am thankful he can be and is my hope when I have no hope and that he is my strength when I have no strength. God is good and he is working to make this whole again and he is doing that in my life and in the world.

Ecclesiastes speaks about there being a time for everything and how there is a need for balance. "it's all about balance" a good friend of mine would say and I would have to agree. I guess I just feel like often I dno't actually balance both sides.

And so there is time for mourning and a time for dancing. We should mourn. And we shouldn't be fake about it, we should bear each others burdens and mourn together and acknowledge that we are disappointed or frustrated or confused or lost or lonely and disconnected, and that this whole thing just doesn't seem to make sense sometimes. And, as the beggar pointed out, we shouldn't always try to cheer someone up and "fix" them.
BUT at the same time let's not miss our chance to dance. Let's not miss our chance to celebrate with all the fullness and zest we have. And seriously....dancing is so fun. I don't know why we don't do it more often. We might all look ridiculous but I love the way I feel when i dance, once I get rid of that ridiculous insecurity. It is so freeing.

The knuckles of my soul are white

I have a tendency to hold on to things, to hope that things will work out, to have faith that things can sort themselves out over time -sometimes even in the face of insurmountable odds.
I have a hard time acting if my feelings don't agree and there was undeniable hope inside me that said after some time this would all work out. I even thought that it was from God at points. So I fool-heartedly held on.

I have recently realized that the thing I was tightly holding on to doesn't even exist anymore. I thought it did but somewhere in all my hope I stopped living in reality and missed the signs I guess.
And so...the time to move on is now I guess. I can't really hold onto something that is non existent now can I?

I have been tainted by the movie culture of our time because I want something to chase after me as I leave, to tell me to stay, to tell me not to go. Some sign from God, something...but I don't think that's going to happen.

I have a hard time with surrender and sometimes it seems that I cannot always trust God with the most precious thing, although i really want to. I think I have learned and am learning to trust him. to trust that he knows what is going on and where I am headed even though i do not.
Robert Frost says, "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go."
So here I go, this is me reluctantly moving on. It is weird to do something against what my heart tells me, but it seems there is no other real option. Most people would say I am way past my time of departure.

"Now at last I am beginning Chapter One of the great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." (C.S Lewis, The Last Battle) I hope this is true.

The inner workings of my mind.

I have decided to share several unconnected things that have happened to me lately or things that I have realized. You can decide whether or not they are profound.

1) Walking into an IGA and having that bakery smell waft over you is a lovely experience. You can almost taste the Long-John's with their chocolatey sauce.

2) Walking into an IGA and having the bakery overwhelm your senses is a little hard on the celiac in all of us. Or at least the celiac in me.

3) I was making playdough and was reminded of a funny thing.
In my first year of University a boy had asked me to meet up with him for lunch in SUB and I wasn't sure it was a date or not. And things with boys have always confused me.
Anyway, I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about or that we would have awkward lulls and so i made playdough for us to play with incase of awkwardness. there we were in SUB playing with playdough.

4)When in IGA I realized how easy it would be to steal Koolaid. So...if anyone wants to start a black market for koolaid, where we sell it for less that 50 cents a pack...I'm in.

5)The smell of Koolaid makes me automatically think of beautiful summer days.

6)Watching old people walk down the street holding hands makes me feel safe.

7)I have a sneaking sensation that God has a hand in my spider solitaire games. I know that's totally ridiculous but I actually kind of think that.

8)One should never try to learn to play backgammon from instructions that came with an inexpensive game, especially when the instructions are loosely translated into English.

9)I have a sense that I might be the coolest person alive if I can just figure out how to play backgammon. If you know how, please teach me.

10) I find Romans 9-11 is confusing.
a. One of my youth group kids at bible study noticed my confusion with Romans 9 and gently said, "Here Lisa...you can use my bible. It might be easier for you to understand." And he handed me his kids adventure bible.
b. I was not the only one frustrated though. I will quote an anonymous youth group kid, "When I get to heaven I'm going to punch Paul in the face. 'Hey Paul...remember Romans 9?' WHAMO!"

12) Bono: "Don't ask God to bless the things you are doing, get involved with things God is doing, because they're already blessed." (You should all go and watch his speech at the National Prayer Breakfast http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/bononationalprayerbreakfast.htm.)

13. Matthew 25 actually might be a literal passage. We are supposed to be out feeding people and clothing them, visiting them in the hospital and prisons. Not just being nice to everyone we meet. Maybe you all knew it was literal...but are we living this out?

14. Wearing sunglasses makes me feel like I have entered a new realm of coolness.

15. Driving wth my window down on a sunny day makes me feel more alive.

16. Funny quote when talking about the Opening Ceremonies about the Olympics: "They're not weird....they're artistic." From one artist to another...i have to say is "amen brother. amen."

17. I pulled my first intentional doughnut in my car. E-break and all. I had no idea how fun it would be.

(More on Bono and Matthew 25 in a later blog.)

In the underground

I was taking the LRT today, reading my book, listening to my iPod....effectively I was in my own little world. At one of the stops an older lady in a blue parka got on and sat down across from me. I smiled at her and she smiled back and then I realized she was talking to me. So I took out my earphones and listened to her talk for a few moments. Then she asked me, "What nationality are your parents? You are so fair." I told her that my ancestry would come from the british isles and that most people often think I am dutch. "Well", she said, "you look sweet". I giggled to myself and she proceeded to tell me that I looked so young and that she couldn't believe i was a teacher, etc.

And then her stop came and as she was getting up she said, "Well, Enjoy life. You have a beautiful face and a beautiful smile." And then she was gone. It was the strangest experience. I had some strange feeling that I was going to cry by how lovely a thing that was to say. Who says things like that to total strangers?

The entire situation lasted maybe 2 minutes. And as I watched her hobble off the LRT, I was reminded of the verse that some people have entertained angels and not known it. maybe she wasn't an angel but it warmed my heart. and i think that's all i could hope for from meeting an angel.

Snowflake

I pulled out of Capilano’s parking lot last night with a swish and a slide, the traction barely noticeable as we drove down the street. The world’s harsh edges were being softened and this concrete urban landscape was covered in nature’s beautiful white cloak. The snow was basically untouched and no trace of grime or dirt had touched the streets and hills. My windshield was apparently the perfect temperature to preserve snowflakes in their intricate little forms and I couldn’t bear to let the wipers crush the little beauties. So we drove home with the windshield covered in sparkling works of art.

I believe watching snow fall on a clear night is magical. In every day life when we see things fall, we hear a sound. And as you watch all this movement around you, all these things falling, it is absolutely silent. I am filled with wonder every time and it makes me feel like a little kid.

As we drove along there was a couple walking down the sidewalk knee deep in snow, hand in hand, hooded, scarfed, mitted and smiling. Watching two people enjoy a moment with so much happiness and love made everything seemed right with the world for a moment.


(the picture in the link came up when i was looking for pictures of snowflakes. apparently this is Snowflake)