I'm writing a paper on the theology of suffering and taking a course where suffering comes up a lot.  So it's on my mind.  This is the quote I will share with you. It makes me wonder at what price come the music and literature I enjoy.   I know this quote is a bit heavy but I also think it is beautiful - in a sad way.

"What is a Poet?  A poet is unhappy being whose heart is torn by secret sufferings, but whose lips are so strangely formed that when the sighs and the cries escape them, they sound like beautiful music. His fate is like that of the unfortunate victims whom the tryant Phalais imprisoned in a brazen bull and slowly tortured over a steady fire: their cries could not reach the tyrant's ears so as to strike terror into his heart. When they reached his ears they sounded like sweet music. And men crowd about the poet and say to him: "Sing for us soon again"; that is as much as to say: "May new sufferings torment your soul, but may your lips be formed as before; the cries would only frighten us, but the music is delicious." And the critics come too and say: "Quite correct, and so it ought to be according to the rules of aesthetics." Now it is understood that a critic resembles a poet to a hair; he only lacks the suffering in his heart and the music upon his lips." 
Kierkegaard

Confessions of an money-saver

I have been thinking a lot about money and me these days.  you see I have been anti-money for most of my life or should I say "anti-wealth".  I never wanted to be in a place where money was something I was seeking or controlled by and I never wanted money to be the most important thing to me.  So I sought to live a life of frugality.
I have always been careful with my money.  I would never spend money on something frivolous.  I would rarely ever go out for dinner; I frequented cheap movie theatre and almost never paid full price for a movie. Clothes that I bought were always second hand and if not they were definitely on sale. I remember the first time I spent $20 on a pair of jeans - I felt like I was becoming materialistic.
I often find myself wondering "can i get a better deal?" or "what else could I do with that amount of money?" .  The other day I went to buy a Hot Chocolate from Starbucks and after pondering the purchase I decided to buy 2 liters of juice instead because it would last longer and was cheaper.  And if I buy more than $20 on myself I get real buyers remorse because I'm just never sure if I spent my money wisely.  By trying to not care about money I have actually started to value it too much because I'm concerned about wasting it.

I was thinking about taking art lessons today and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Well, it's probably too much money."  But maybe, just maybe, art lessons might be a really good thing for my soul that has been a bit displaced since moving, maybe I would find it really freeing to paint and watch the world around me, and I might even just get a kick out of mixing colors and creating.  So maybe money should be only part of decisions and not the deciding factor.  Taking art lessons could actually be an investment.   I could think about using money to expand my horizons and invest in life.   Maybe I'll start small with a fruit smoothie at Starbucks (i've never tried one before) or try the Thai restaurant near our house - the possibilities are endless!

Final Episodes

I love watching final episodes. I have watched the Final Episode of Seinfeld, Friends, the O.C, Scrubs, Arrested Development, M.A.S.H, The Beverly Hillbillies, Veronica Mars, One Tree Hill, Dawson's Creek, Cheers, Corner Gas, Road To Avonlea - just to name a few. 
I have watched final episodes of shows that I didn't even really know anything about.  I love to watch how things end and I gain much pleasure from resolution.  These episodes always pull at your heart strings and gives you a good sense of closure. I love montages of past episodes and how you can see the characters change and they always have a good song playing over the montage. I like to hear people say the thing they always should have said to someone, to watch that person do something that they always needed to do. Final Episodes always involve leaving a room, then turning around for one last look, turning the lights off and seeing those credits for the very last time.  

My friend Daytona was talking about sitcoms on his blog the other day which got me thinking about all the sitcoms and TV shows that have come and gone. I poked around on YouTube and watched the Final Episode of Fresh Prince of Belair and Gilligan's Island .  So I have added some new ones to the list.

Of all the final episodes I have watched there are two that stand out as the best.  The first would be the final moments of MASH - this would make even someone without a soul cry.  What a great show. 

And the second is right here.  The last episode of The Wonder Years  And I found it on YouTube. Here's a little nostalgia to get your weekend going.

Enjoy!

it has been raining for about five days straight but this morning the stores of heaven were empty and it was clear (or clear-er).  on my way to work i could actually see the mountains and the ocean. the clouds normally shroud them in grey but it was like little elves had created mountains over night, dusted them with snow and planted them around the city.   they had worked through the night to create a winter scape just to get ready for Christmas and that warmed my heart in the weird way that the first glimpse of snow can.

O come, O come

My goal is to celebrate advent this year.

When I was at Regent we sang the hymn "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" during advent.  We only sang the verses - the chorus was omitted.  The reason for this is that advent is not the celebration of Jesus' birth but the preparation for his coming - so we could not rightly since "Rejoice, Rejoice, Emmanuel - has come to you oh Israel!"  Every week we would sing this carol incomplete and every week I would leave with a sense that something was not finished. I guess the act achieved it's aim.

It seems appropriate that advent is celebrated at the darkest time of the year because there is darkness in advent.  We enter into the words of those who sat at the rivers of Babylon  wondering "How Long O Lord, How Long".  (I recognize this is a mixture of Psalm 137 and Psalm 13)  We can look at our world and be angered and discouraged by the same things they noticed:  people not caring for the poor, hatred, pain, dishonest gain, destruction of the world, rejection of God.  These prophets are our comrades for they too lived in a broken world and experienced the pain of loss and rejection and loneliness.  They desperately knew their need for a Messiah who would heal the broken, rescue the weak and restore the lost. And so during advent I am likewise reminded of my own need for a Messiah to further enter my life.

We know that God has made a way for these things to change even though the world has not been made perfect.  He has begun the restoration of his world and reconciliation of man to God.   This great and powerful ruler who would thwart the wicked and tear down nations enters the world so weak and fragile. how can a little baby hold within itself the dynamic tension of fully God and fully human?  I cannot understand.  But it is a blessed thing none the less.

Shhhh - don't tell the ecosystem!

My husband and I have an on going debate over what to do with insects. He prefers to catch them and release them to the wild and I prefer to kill them. I see his point about maintaining the ecosystem but I don't want to have to catch them. I'm a little bit afraid of bugs. There it's out - I said it - I'm not a fan of bugs.
There are a lot of bugs out here in the Northern Rainforest. It seems that bugs grow a little bigger and multiply faster when it's raining. The house we live in has spiders that live in cracks inside and outside the house. Sometimes they even leave a web for you to walk through on your way down the driveway. Delightful!

There is a large spider that lives in the crack in the wall inside our doorway. I have seen it several times and when I go to kill it I remember my husband's loyalty to the environment - and I don't kill it.
However, the other day I was walking through the doorway and saw not just one big spider but TWO big spiders hanging out on the wall. This means that they are multiplying. And so - without a moment thought- I killed one of them.

My issue with spiders is the following - there is a statistic that you eat 4-8 spiders every year in your sleep. So, when I see a spider in my house, I think , "Do I want to have that in my mouth?" I mean, if you are going to have a spider in your mouth either way you might as well have a small spider crawl into your mouth. And if this spider is reproducing, the chances of one of them finding their way into my mouth at night while I sleep is greatly increased. Of course, our bedroom is probably a bazillion "spidey-miles" away from the doorway but "better safe than sorry" I always say.

So, I killed a spider this morning and I'm feeling guilty about it i guess. I feel guilty because spiders are supposed to be really good in the world - they kill all the other gross insects that get caught in their net. And, as long as you don't walk through their web, their pretty crafty and remarkable little devils.

Hopefully I didn't totally destroy the fragile ecosystem of our backyard. Don't tell the ecosystem - but I sleep easier at night knowing there are less large spiders in the world.