2578 km have passed since I have written a blog entry and much has happened it seems. The camp was an experience that wasn't the best unfortunately although I did meet some nice people along the way. and one or two were exceptional people actually. and it is always interesting to share in one small window of time in each other's lives. so to those exceptional people I salute you.
I guess it made me thankful for the good community of people I have at home and yet sometimes i feel like some of my experiences with people at that camp destroyed something inside of me that might take a while to rebuild. as if i questioned everything I was about because everything I was about seemed invalid to most. It shook the confidence I had in myself, in my ability to connect with people, in my ability to interact. I felt awkward and as if i was in jr.high.
It's hard to explain but I didn't realize how awfully mean some Christians could be in a group and gave me more sensitivity to those that have found themselves in a destructive church situation. So that is me trying to be positive, looking at the situation and me trying to move on from the experience.
The roadtrip part was good though, I have enjoyed the chance to drive by myself and do my own thing for a while. I had a lot of time to myself through the different chains of mountains. It was sad to not be with another person for some of the moments I experienced just because it's nice to have someone to say, "Hey, that's beautiful" to. But, at the same time I got to enjoy the beauty I saw in silence and solitude which is also a wonderful thing.
With all that time to think it's interesting who you meet out on the open road. The memories that pop into your head, the people you think about that you haven't thought about in years, the things you were sure you had forgotten, the skeletons in closets that you thought were sealed shut can open their doors once again. many a tear was shed and many a smile crossed my lips as I drove on the trip.
God just has a way to push beyond what we were ready to think about, to drag things up that we haven't dealt with and need to. And I asked him to be with me in the car and work in my life, and so perhaps he did. But at the end of July I end up feeling broken and trying to sort out exactly what happened this past month. You know? exactly what didn't click, exactly why I still have these tastes in my mouth of things far gone?
Someone might say that reconstruction only begins when things have been totally broken or taken away. but at this point I feel like an empty lot without a blueprint for the builder. but it is midnight and i'm tired. this is how i'm feeling but i recognize it's late. tonight i was reminded that i am loved and that is true. it was probably the most important thing i needed to hear.
shalom
4 comments:
I want to sound encouraging without sounding lame though I'm finding it difficult, so your going to have to use your imagination for this one. "Hey Lisa!" (wink, while making my hangs into guns and shotting them)
About the music I am up in Edmonton next weekend could we practise then? I am doing music at the st. albert church and was wondering if my dad could borrow your double bass, and also we need a drummer, do you want to play?
i hate it when i've read a post. and don't know what to comment, but i do want to let the writer know i read it.
this is my way of doing it this time.
thanks guys. i look forward to being in edmonton with both of you at somepoint. it's nice when we're all together. thanks for reading, it's hard to respond sometimes. i get that.
caleb: call me when you get to edmonton.
david: you should also look me up when you get to edmonton.
Ah bennett. How I love thee.
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