"But I understand that my family is like this old sweater - it keeps unraveling, but then someone figures out how to sew it up one more time; it has lumps and then it unravels again, but you can still wear it; and it still keeps away the chill."
This is taken from the book traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott. I will indeed find some of my own words to put on here. However, I have found myself thinking about this little quote for the past few days. It seems appropriate to speak of sweaters now that the wind has turned cold and September is upon us. Typing that out makes me sad to think that summer has come and gone. The irreversibility of the season is heart breaking somehow, to know that you cannot stop the change. That these leaves will turn a most beautiful gold and orange and fall to the ground, that people will begin school again, that things will die in order to make room for new things to grow. Every gust of wind that blows outside my window brings with it a little more cool, a little more crispness to the nights. And I cannot hold on to the summer because it has turned cold now. Summer is no more.
Perhaps I have grown sentimental as i leave my parents house. i have lived in this house longer than anyone else in my family, 18 years. But now i don't live there anymore. Seems like one should move out in spring when all the world is coming alive but i have chosen fall. The fall is beautiful, don't get my wrong. But there's something delicious about the melancholy of it all.
"Creation screams in amber and crimson that it won't be taken by death.
It stands in silent protest until icy fingers takes its voice.
Like so many before them,
In the struggle of the ages.
Yet smiling they resign knowing that resurrection lies within their smallest seed."
i guess there are lots of thoughts in this post that are not necessarily connected at all. But thanks for reading anyway.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
Purge
I'm currently purging my world in order to start a new life in my new house. It's true...i'm moving out. Shocking for some and others i'm sure are thinking it's about time and it would have been about time three years ago.
The purging though has been enjoyable. getting rid of things i have no use for, things that are excessive, things that i need to let go and move on. i mean how many letteres from gr.6 do you actually need to keep? i'm sure there will be more purging once i start setting up things and realizing i don't have a place for certain things and then i can just chuck them.
I've been in awe of people like St. Francis of Assisi and Rich Mullins lately. these vow of poverty guys are pretty amazing. Mr.Mullins didn't even own shoes for the last bit of his life. i mean one of the biggest Christian song writers lived in a trailer on a native reserve and gave the rest of his money away. maybe i can get rid of a bunch of my shoes...oh dear i have a lots. where did all this stuff come from? how did i end up with so many shoes and book and CD's. I don't know.
starting a new life at a new house with less stuff. hopefully i'm on my way to this simple life i would like to live. GOING GHANDI. leave the things behind me in that house and start fresh in a new place. it's fall...seems like the thing to do.
The purging though has been enjoyable. getting rid of things i have no use for, things that are excessive, things that i need to let go and move on. i mean how many letteres from gr.6 do you actually need to keep? i'm sure there will be more purging once i start setting up things and realizing i don't have a place for certain things and then i can just chuck them.
I've been in awe of people like St. Francis of Assisi and Rich Mullins lately. these vow of poverty guys are pretty amazing. Mr.Mullins didn't even own shoes for the last bit of his life. i mean one of the biggest Christian song writers lived in a trailer on a native reserve and gave the rest of his money away. maybe i can get rid of a bunch of my shoes...oh dear i have a lots. where did all this stuff come from? how did i end up with so many shoes and book and CD's. I don't know.
starting a new life at a new house with less stuff. hopefully i'm on my way to this simple life i would like to live. GOING GHANDI. leave the things behind me in that house and start fresh in a new place. it's fall...seems like the thing to do.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Snail
It feels as though my blogging pace has slowed to the pace of molasses on a freezing winter day. so....just in case you didn't catch it....my progress on this blog is ridiculously slow. sigh.
i've thought to write often and there have been too many things to think about, too many things to say and the blogs would have been gargantuan ramblings that most likely contradict themselves and fail to make a real point.
but i found a prayer of sorts that i liked. so here it is. good old catholics.
Ministers to the Future
By Cardinal John Dearden of Detroit (1979)
It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts; It is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
Of the magnificent enterprise that is the Lord's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying
That the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
No sermon says all that should be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.
That is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow,
We water seeds already planted
Knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provided yeast that affects far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very, very well.
It may be incomplete; but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
An opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and to do the rest.
We may never see the end results,
But that is the difference between the Master Builder
And the worker.
We are workers, but not master builders. . .
Ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future that is not our own. Amen
thoughts anyone?
i've thought to write often and there have been too many things to think about, too many things to say and the blogs would have been gargantuan ramblings that most likely contradict themselves and fail to make a real point.
but i found a prayer of sorts that i liked. so here it is. good old catholics.
Ministers to the Future
By Cardinal John Dearden of Detroit (1979)
It helps, now and then, to step back and take the long view.
The Kingdom is not only beyond our efforts; It is beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
Of the magnificent enterprise that is the Lord's work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is another way of saying
That the Kingdom always lies beyond us.
No sermon says all that should be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the Church's mission.
No set of goals and objectives include everything.
That is what we are about.
We plant the seeds that one day will grow,
We water seeds already planted
Knowing that they hold future promise.
We lay foundations that will need further development.
We provided yeast that affects far beyond our capabilities.
We cannot do everything and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that.
This enables us to do something, and to do it very, very well.
It may be incomplete; but it is a beginning, a step along the way,
An opportunity for the Lord's grace to enter and to do the rest.
We may never see the end results,
But that is the difference between the Master Builder
And the worker.
We are workers, but not master builders. . .
Ministers, not messiahs.
We are prophets of a future that is not our own. Amen
thoughts anyone?
Monday, August 7, 2006
August
i was in a mall the other day and they had backpack sales and school supply sales and parents looking quizzically at lists from elementary schools making sure that little jonny has the right pencil crayons and such. what a weird realization that people are already thinking about the fall and it's only August. where did the summer go? I feel like i missed it and then i think...no...wait...there's still another four weeks left in the summer. FOUR WEEKS. last time i checked that is a whole month. There's a lot of things that can happen in a month. Not as much as nine months, but still it's a while.
I have this tendancy to look forward to the first week of september or the first six weeks of the fall. i love the fall. i wish i was going back to school and a part of the whole walking around campus with my wool sweater on and it's cold outside but the sun is warm and the leaves are changing. sigh.
i had a history class at 1:00 p.m. my third year at University and i loved going there early, sitting outside "the turtle" on the grass, eating a yogurt and granola bar and then having a little nap in the warm fall sun. it was beautiful, i wish i was there now.
anyway...
i have a tendancy to rush through August, wishing it was fall and then fall comes and i want to go back to summer for just a bit. but this month i will try and embrace every day of it, embrace all the summer moments that lie within the next month and then be ready for fall when it comes.
the change of seasons is weird and the winters are often very hard on my person, but perhaps enjoying every moment of each season will allow me to be okay with winter when it comes. there are many beautiful things about winter, don't get me wrong. but i wonder if winter is awful because we believe it has stolen something from us. stolen our sun, stolen our warmth, stolen something prematurely. but i wonder if one was to soak in every moment of each season that we would be ready for winter to come when it comes.
i don't know if it's that simple or possible but something to think about. so soak away people. let's learn to be wrinkly from immeresing ourselves fully in this last month of summer.
I have this tendancy to look forward to the first week of september or the first six weeks of the fall. i love the fall. i wish i was going back to school and a part of the whole walking around campus with my wool sweater on and it's cold outside but the sun is warm and the leaves are changing. sigh.
i had a history class at 1:00 p.m. my third year at University and i loved going there early, sitting outside "the turtle" on the grass, eating a yogurt and granola bar and then having a little nap in the warm fall sun. it was beautiful, i wish i was there now.
anyway...
i have a tendancy to rush through August, wishing it was fall and then fall comes and i want to go back to summer for just a bit. but this month i will try and embrace every day of it, embrace all the summer moments that lie within the next month and then be ready for fall when it comes.
the change of seasons is weird and the winters are often very hard on my person, but perhaps enjoying every moment of each season will allow me to be okay with winter when it comes. there are many beautiful things about winter, don't get me wrong. but i wonder if winter is awful because we believe it has stolen something from us. stolen our sun, stolen our warmth, stolen something prematurely. but i wonder if one was to soak in every moment of each season that we would be ready for winter to come when it comes.
i don't know if it's that simple or possible but something to think about. so soak away people. let's learn to be wrinkly from immeresing ourselves fully in this last month of summer.
Friday, August 4, 2006
Miles before and behind
2578 km have passed since I have written a blog entry and much has happened it seems. The camp was an experience that wasn't the best unfortunately although I did meet some nice people along the way. and one or two were exceptional people actually. and it is always interesting to share in one small window of time in each other's lives. so to those exceptional people I salute you.
I guess it made me thankful for the good community of people I have at home and yet sometimes i feel like some of my experiences with people at that camp destroyed something inside of me that might take a while to rebuild. as if i questioned everything I was about because everything I was about seemed invalid to most. It shook the confidence I had in myself, in my ability to connect with people, in my ability to interact. I felt awkward and as if i was in jr.high.
It's hard to explain but I didn't realize how awfully mean some Christians could be in a group and gave me more sensitivity to those that have found themselves in a destructive church situation. So that is me trying to be positive, looking at the situation and me trying to move on from the experience.
The roadtrip part was good though, I have enjoyed the chance to drive by myself and do my own thing for a while. I had a lot of time to myself through the different chains of mountains. It was sad to not be with another person for some of the moments I experienced just because it's nice to have someone to say, "Hey, that's beautiful" to. But, at the same time I got to enjoy the beauty I saw in silence and solitude which is also a wonderful thing.
With all that time to think it's interesting who you meet out on the open road. The memories that pop into your head, the people you think about that you haven't thought about in years, the things you were sure you had forgotten, the skeletons in closets that you thought were sealed shut can open their doors once again. many a tear was shed and many a smile crossed my lips as I drove on the trip.
God just has a way to push beyond what we were ready to think about, to drag things up that we haven't dealt with and need to. And I asked him to be with me in the car and work in my life, and so perhaps he did. But at the end of July I end up feeling broken and trying to sort out exactly what happened this past month. You know? exactly what didn't click, exactly why I still have these tastes in my mouth of things far gone?
Someone might say that reconstruction only begins when things have been totally broken or taken away. but at this point I feel like an empty lot without a blueprint for the builder. but it is midnight and i'm tired. this is how i'm feeling but i recognize it's late. tonight i was reminded that i am loved and that is true. it was probably the most important thing i needed to hear.
shalom
I guess it made me thankful for the good community of people I have at home and yet sometimes i feel like some of my experiences with people at that camp destroyed something inside of me that might take a while to rebuild. as if i questioned everything I was about because everything I was about seemed invalid to most. It shook the confidence I had in myself, in my ability to connect with people, in my ability to interact. I felt awkward and as if i was in jr.high.
It's hard to explain but I didn't realize how awfully mean some Christians could be in a group and gave me more sensitivity to those that have found themselves in a destructive church situation. So that is me trying to be positive, looking at the situation and me trying to move on from the experience.
The roadtrip part was good though, I have enjoyed the chance to drive by myself and do my own thing for a while. I had a lot of time to myself through the different chains of mountains. It was sad to not be with another person for some of the moments I experienced just because it's nice to have someone to say, "Hey, that's beautiful" to. But, at the same time I got to enjoy the beauty I saw in silence and solitude which is also a wonderful thing.
With all that time to think it's interesting who you meet out on the open road. The memories that pop into your head, the people you think about that you haven't thought about in years, the things you were sure you had forgotten, the skeletons in closets that you thought were sealed shut can open their doors once again. many a tear was shed and many a smile crossed my lips as I drove on the trip.
God just has a way to push beyond what we were ready to think about, to drag things up that we haven't dealt with and need to. And I asked him to be with me in the car and work in my life, and so perhaps he did. But at the end of July I end up feeling broken and trying to sort out exactly what happened this past month. You know? exactly what didn't click, exactly why I still have these tastes in my mouth of things far gone?
Someone might say that reconstruction only begins when things have been totally broken or taken away. but at this point I feel like an empty lot without a blueprint for the builder. but it is midnight and i'm tired. this is how i'm feeling but i recognize it's late. tonight i was reminded that i am loved and that is true. it was probably the most important thing i needed to hear.
shalom
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