Colin Hay

"It's easy to love somebody/It's easier than to be loved. "

I was listening to Colin Hay the other day, as I often do, and was struck by the above lyric. Struck by it because what Colin was saying is quite profound. It's incredibly easy to love someone, to bake cookies for them, to buy them a book they like, to call them up when you think about them. But to be loved is an entirely different story.

To be loved is to let someone know who you are. To let them know the things they could tease you about, hate you for, be disappointed in you for. To be loved is to let them know the secret delights you have and your wishes and dreams and foolish hopes.

A good friend of mine put it well the other day when we were talking. This idea that we all deeply want to be loved for every flaw and wonderfulness that we have, we want someone to know us completely. But we also don't want the person to know us fully because we believe that if this person knew they wouldn't love us in our entirety.

And the greater the person who we find so lovely and caring, the less we want them to know us for real because then they might not stick around and we want them to stick around.

I'm ridiculous with the people I care most about. I worry about being a burden on people. When I go to another city to visit someone I always have to have some reason other than them to come to the city and will just happen to see them while I'm there. I don't want them to feel overwhelmed by the fact that I want to hang out with them the whole time, so I create "outs" just in case they don't like me as much as I like them.

But what if we let people see us for who we are, for all our quirkiness, for our brokenness? What would happen then? I think...i think we would be transformed. Our brokenness will always be with us I imagine. But why continue to allow that shame to stop us from being loved by someone, loved in a way that will truly transform us if we let it.

I think that if we let someone know our true self, with all our mistakes and bruises, we actually are freed a bit each time from the weight of guilt and shame that we carry around in our flesh. This transforming power that God has to change us when we live in the reality of his love is amazing. And as we are loved, we throw off more things that entangle us and hinder us and have a chance to live in a little more freedom.

And when we, in turn, love someone and God shows them kindness through us they are filled with joy and want to love us back even if we're messed up. And the cycle continues, loving each other, creating thankfulness for the love, wanting to love more and so on and so forth. it is a beautiful and tranforming thing.

If we hold back from allowing people to really know us, we don't change. If we hold back we continue to dwell on the fact that we are broken people because we are confirming with our actions that if anyone really knew the depth of our dark hearts they wouldn't love us. ashamed of ourselves, not worthy of love we keep a cool distance.

However, if we allowed people to really love us, to give to us without a requirement of giving back and learned to be comfortable in our own skin we begin to allow ourselves to live in the light of those that are loved. Thankfulness and grace will begin to grow in our lives because we understand how unworthy we are and how loved we are at the same time.

The reality of our brokenness will always be with us but let's not keep living in the guilty and weight of that brokenness. We're messed up, that sense of failure is brutal but......let's keep going. We need to be living realities of people who are loved. The world needs to see it and we need it. Transformed. New Creations.

Maybe this post is only for me but allow me the chance to say it aloud even if it's only for my benefit. But i hope you can resonate with what I'm saying.


IN OTHER NEWS:
A few days ago there was a Hoola-hoop show down between myself and Emily. Several attempts were made but in the end the Universal Hool-a-hoop-a-thon was won by Emily. Oh....and an important detail...Emily is in grade 1 and about 3 feet tall. That's right, i lost a hool-a-hoop competition to a gr.1 kid. she was amazing, no effort at all. but you can't feel about loosing to such a great competitor.

And we should all go stand in the warm sun, and listen to "Peace Train" by Cat Stevens. I did it. It was lovely moment.

Do you think that God is good? That he is right in the things he has done, created, caused in your life?

I have been struck by the view of God we have. I have been greatly saddened by many comments I have had people say to me because they reflect a belief that God is not good, that he desires awful situations for us.

I believe that God uses the hardness of life to teach us lessons but I do not believe that he causes destructive pain in our lives. Life is hard enough living in an imperfect world, God doesn't desire to give us more.

And yet we often believe that when life is going good, it's going to have to get hard again because we wouldn't want to get too comfortable. When we feel like life is a real blessing we believe that a depression or financial stress or pain is just around the corner because we couldn't have an enjoyable life, we don't deserve love or goodness and so really we should just get what we deserve.

But do you see what sort of incorrect view of God this is? What does it say that we believe about God if we have come to this conclusion?

Do we believe that God is slow to anger and abounding in love? That his love stretches to the skies? That we will walk through the fire and not be burned?
Or do we believe that God places us in the fire in the hopes that our scars remind us of some lesson that we have to learn? And that what God sees in us is not his beautiful creation but something that always needs work, needs to be changed and is constantly doing wrong? I just don't see that God operates like that.

I realized recently that I had started to believe that it was wrong to desire good, fruitful, loving relationships. That it was wrong to pray for a good place to live next year, that it was wrong to desire that it would be a good experience, one that builds and encourages me. I had begun to believe that every experience was going to be hard, destructive and the like. That I have all these things that are wrong with me that need to be made right and the only way for them to be made right is through hard circumstances. That we have to stay in awful abusive relationships, hard destructive situations, caring for people in a way that allows ourselves to be destroyed by their harshness. And of course we don't say anything to them or work to change the situation because this is what God wants for us, to give and be destroyed by the world. We don't see ourselves as worthwhile and therefore we don't deserve any better.

Yet, what if...what if God wanted good things for us, what if he was looking at all times for chances to give us good things, peace and joy. I'm not talking about material items, I'm not talking about fame. I'm talking about loving relationships, peace and joy, hope for life. I believe he wants to give us things. And yet we walk around in lives that reflect a God that intentionally abuses and destroys us.
In Matthew 10 Jesus tells his disciples that if they are persecuted in a village they should flee. Go somewhere else he tells them, get out of destructive situations. There are other people to tell about me other places. There are other places to be.

Now, I do believe that life is just plain hard sometimes, that sometimes we have to stay in hard situations to see them through. That pain is very real and happens in this world we live in. But I believe that God gives us the strength and resilience to be in them. I just see so many people exhausted, sad, and discouraged in their lives because they choose to stay in situations or relationships that are destructive.

Jesus said that he came to give us life more abundantly. MORE abundantly. Do our lives reflect this truth, this beauty, this wonder of something more than the rest of the world lives. Many times I have spent time with Christians and just thought...man this is not how we're supposed to treat each other. Am I supposed to feel encouraged or discouraged after spending time with people who know Jesus?
And then i have spent time with people where I leave feeling so encouraged, so blessed, so loved and appreciated, like I was important. I loved those times, I feel like myself, like I can do this living thing, this Jesus thing in the world.

And if some flawed Christian individuals can make me feel encouraged, loved and important...then shouldn't a relationship with God do so much more? I believe the answer is yes.

So my thoughts today are: it isn't wrong to get out a situation that is destroying you, to take a break from someone who is destructive to have in your life, to find new people to spend time with if those you are with pull you farther from an understanding of a loving God.

"Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph 3:16-17

Note the words in this verse.."delight" "love" "rejoice". This is the beauty of grace. This is how he sees us even if we are messed up, we don't deserve goodness and blessing but in the beauty of his mercy and grace he gives them to us. Don't taint or destroy this gift he offers because you see yourself as not good enough. Humble your heart to accept his beauty into your life.

There are so many things that go unsaid in movies. And I find this excruciating. I realized just how difficult I find this when I was watching Music and Lyrics last night. (I liked the film but that is besides the point). I made this realization during the classic romantic/comedy moment when the lovers have separated over some argument or stubbornness, and the music plays while they show several scenes of them listlessly trying to piece their lives together without the other.

You see in movies the girl or boy always walks away before the person can wrap their toungue around whatever they were going to say, or there is some miscommunication that causes the lovers to separate and if they just called each other up and said what they were thinking it would all be sorted out. But instead they sit by windows as it rains and drink coffee in a catatonic state.

I loathe things going unsaid. I think it is why I hate the OC and those sorts of shows, so many things not communicated, people don't say what really happened or what they're really thinking. Arrrrggghhhh. I mean, although I love the Office, the entire Jim and Pam thing is based around people not saying what they should and Pam just not owning up to the fact that she loves Jim.

And these parts in movies are even more unbearable is that the reality of things going unsaid resonates deeply within me. Those things that I wish i had said to that person several years ago or that i wish even now I had the guts or wisdom to say. You know what i mean? When you just didn't say what you were actually thinking, when I acted in my better judgement and was not completely honest, when I tried to separate myself from my feelings and make the decision I thought I "should" make.

My mother, bless her soul, always tells me that I should start living what I WANT to do and not what I SHOULD do. but it's hard to get out of that habit because I have lived the way i thought I SHOULD for so long. However, in that time i think i have let some people go that i shouldn't have, and kept others when they were obviously bad for me. And I'm not just talking romantic here.

But I sometimes i think...if i left myself to what I wanted we would be in a sad state because I am a person who struggles with my flesh. sometimes it feels like i do the opposite of what I want to do because I don't trust my own judgement on what is good and right.

C.S. Lewis writes the following passages "We have been like bathers who want to keep their feet - or one foot- or one toe- on the bottom, when to lose that foothold would be to surrender themselves to a glorious tumble in the surf."

Perhaps I need to let go a little bit, trust that doing what I want could actually be a giving of God's glorious freedom to me, and not live in this guilt and "should" mentality.

As to what becomes of the things that have gone unsaid between me and other people, I am not sure. I do not yet possess the wisdom to reconcile those situations and have some sense that time will continue to give me that wisdom. I hope.

For now, I will try and lift my feet off the ocean floor and surrender myself to the surf.

So I'll start a revolution from my bed

Things that can be currently found in my bed right now.
-an Eeyore stuffed animal
-a dog stuffed animal
-one slipper
-three socks
-a hair dryer
-a towel on one pillow
-a bible
-a rice bag
-'till we have faces by C.S Lewis
-2 hudson's bay blankets
-a set of flannel sheets
-a comforter
-four pillows, two for show, two for sleeping...and only one that i really sleep on.
-me

And on top
-a brown hoodie
-one down vest
-one army green jacket

So what have i learned from this realization? My bed is too big. I can sleep with all these sorts of things in my bed quite comfortably and never even run into them. The socks and slippers and rice bag are just out of reach of my feet so i have to dig around to find them, or they just rest there never to be found again....until i wash my sheets i guess.

And then I rest whatever book i am reading on the extra pillow i have. it's like a soft, cuddly shelf in your very own bed. Lovely thing. I can even rest my glasses there in the evening and my watch, that i use as an alarm. But my glasses and watch are currently on my person so i did not include them.

Hair dryer..well..that's for extra warmth in the cold evenings. nothing like heating up your bed with a hair dryer. it's good for people like me who have ice running through their veins or were born without the talent of creating their own heat.

So that's what my bed is like. a nice place to be if you are cold or are in need of some reading material. there's definitely for a few people in there. you will have to bring your own food but i can't even begin to tell you what i have within reach of the bed that would take too long. but there are some tasty M&M's very close by.

Winter Jacket Day

By the title of this post you might think I'm going to talk about how today was cold and you needed a winterjacket, but you would be wrong, so very very wrong.
Winter Jacket Day is a term I have for a sort of day I experience everyonce and a while. So hold on, this is going to be good. Or at least...it will allow my to communicate with some of you much more efficiently if you understand this.

I'm not a big fan of winter jackets, I lived a whole year of school by only wearing a vest, hooded sweatshirt, scarf and mitts. I didn't want to have to wear a winter jacket. And as I stood there freezing in -20'C weather at 7:30 in the morning I was confident in my choice of clothes.

Have any of you had the experience where you need something from the back seat of your car and you reach back and cannot quite get it because your winter jacket gets in the way? And you know if you weren't wearing this huge jacket you would be able to reach it. Or you are walking up a tobogganing hill with your whole winter get-up on and it is taking forever, and you can't walk quite right because it feels like your clothes weigh so much, and your too warm or uncomfortable and yet cannot get away from these clothes you are wearing? Or you are moving someone's stuff in the winter, outside and you're winter clothing is causing every movement to be hindered in its fullness.

Well, I experience this a lot. I find winter jackets suffocating, they restrict every moment you make and sometimes when you are trying to get it off it feels like you might not ever be able too because it's stuck to you somehow, it has become one with your person, your whole person is restricted. In that moment of frustration I think of Arizona, where I could be completely warm with only a bathing suit on. I believe that does not help the situation and only increases the annoyance.

And sometimes, even when I'm not wearing a winter jacket I have that same feeling, that feeling of being restricted, suffocated, a lack of freedom. I never know quite what causes it but somedays that's just how i feel. most often in the winter. Those are winter jacket days. Those days when your person feels restricted somehow, unable to be free.

Now, after all that explanation I can say....today was a winter jacket day for me.

Knitting and Heroes

In the past two days I have become addicted to Heroes. My sister told me to watch it so eventually we could watch them together and so i watched one and then another and yet another. Quite the addictive show. A little creepy at times, but it's about superheroes, I'm not sure why I didn't watch it sooner. I guess I don't know how to "download" things onto my computer.

The bad part about my addiction is I think I can justify it by knitting while I watch. I started a pair of socks and of course I need something to do while I knit, so I watch TV. Either Heroes or Buffy The Vampire Slayer, thanks to my lovely cousin.

And I feel almost justified in my watching huge amounts of television which is ridiculous i know, but i am sort of being productive, although I don't do anything else. If I started knitting some sort of project for people in Africa or something, I might even think of myself as a saint and not just "productive".

I have been watching them on peekvid.com but have run into a wall at Episode four. I can't get any epsidoes beyond episode 3 to load. It's an incredibly sad thing. So does anyone know how I can continue watching Heros? Don't think about it as feeding an addiction, think of it as caring for your good friend and her lack of a social life. I really do sort of have this addictive thing to TV shows if I get into them. I watched a whole season of Average Joe once with my mom, i wanted to know what happened. So it is best for me to watch all the episodes and be done with it.

Even when I watch movies I would rather fast forward to the end, know what happens and then
rewind the movie and watch it in peace. a bit strange, but 'tis who i am.

The weird part is that I'm quite content knitting and watching Heroes or Buffy. Sitting in my room after running after children all day, watching and knitting. Quite enjoyable. I mean, Heroes is exciting, I don't think I could handle much more stimluation than that.

I know I'm a little late to jump on the Heros bandwagon. But I should have a long time ago, you know my sister Claire is on the show and all. But I really like it. Especially Hiro. He is such a great character, except for the fact that he is supposed to be Japanese and it so obviously Korean. Minor detail to Western world but is a big deal in Korea I imagine. I hope that Korean people aren't too offended by that. But I really like that they always speak in subtitles. Instead of Americanizing the characters.

But what is with Niki, she's creepy with her whole alter ego and Siler. Maybe i should watch Heros with someone else for safety sake. It's a little creepy in quiet house where you are alone. But I ask you, what is life without a nightmare or heart stopping fear everyonce and a while?

So if anyone knows how to get episode four or whatever that would be awesome. Thanks. As for now I'll continue eating candy that the teacher I'm subbing for left me. Quite the life.

Yet Another Salute

My grandfather is a lovely man who cherishes hard work, smart living, wisdom with money, family, God, and most of all his granddaughters. My grandfather has had the lucky fortune of having 11 granddaughters. He loves it. If we meet him at some church get together and give him a hug or kiss him on the cheek, he will turn to whoever he is talking with and pretend he doesn't know who we are, and makes some comment about still having charm with the ladies....even as an old man.

He says shocking things because he can because he's old. And so he will definitely try and get your goat if you're paying attention. He will make his funny comment and then give just a small little smile and a wink with his bright blue eyes.

My grandfather sold me my car for half the price we had agreed on. When I went to write the cheque to him he just pretended we had agreed on the lower price and then smiled and winked.
He definitely seems gruff to some people but there is such a lovely heart hidden in him. I have heard countless stories of him giving people work that had moved to Edmonton and helping them out when they needed it.

My grandfather supervised the building of the Hudson's Bay Building downtown when he was 24 years old. His company also built the Glenmore Reservoir and built a hydro dam that allowed Yellowknife to have electricity for the first time. And they made the trip by using caterpillars that pulled large sleighs that they rode in.

He has travelled the world and taken care of his family. Worked hard and helped out many people. Seems like he has lived a good life. And he's a heck of a Sequence and Rummicube player.

I love my grandfather. And over the last while he has become weaker and weaker but everytime I see him he looks me right in the eyes, holds onto my hand and says, "You know I love you right?" And everytime it makes me cry. I don't know why I cry, you would think it would make me happy to hear it but I cry. It's how my body gets out that emotion that wells up within me. It touches me very deep inside and makes me feel like a little kid.

Tonight I went to see my grandpa and I tucked him into bed, made sure he was warm and kissed him goodnight. Quite a reversal of roles. He told me he loved me before he went to sleep and I managed not to cry for my grandma's sake.

Lately Grandpa has been telling me that he is cold and very tired. But he still smiles at me, even if he is a little less spry these days.

My sister is planning a flight home to see him, which means that there isn't a lot of time left. Which is why he needs a salute. There are many things to salute him for but I will keep it simple.

So....
Grandpa, I salute you. I salute you for not forgetting to tell me that you love me. For taking care of your family in many different ways. For 92 good years of life. For having the kindest blue eyes that I have ever seen.

I enjoy reading, I'm not an avid reader by any stretch of the imagination but I enjoy reading. I like talking about interesting thoughts that I have read with people, I like hearing their thoughts. It definitely can be a bit of a pride issue to be able to drop a Lewis quote into a conversation or Dostoevsky or something. I see it as such, I'm aware I can be pretentious. But sometimes it's just fun to talk with other people who have read the same books as you.
I am mostly out of my league with real readers, they have way too many books to pull from and I must seem amateurish to them. But I like to read.

I asked my Uncle once what made a person able to bend with time, to change and be gracious as Christian thought and earthly culture changed. How was I to resist becoming a cynical old person, how was I to be able to read new authors with new ideas even when I'm 60? I wanted him to give me a list of books that he had read that I should read because that seemed to me the answer, reading more books.

And this is what he responded:
"I think it's largely a spiritual question. I'm not particularly close to God, but the people I knew who were really close to God, who showed it in their lives as people of grace, persistent commitment, joy, humility, also had very open minds.
The people who focused on ideas, on thinking, on being smart and open-minded, didn't stay open and moving. Of course this doesn't mean that you don't think lots or have positions, even strong ones. But they are "softened" somewhat, by Spirit presence.

A side issue and practically speaking, keeping lots of new info going in, keeps you a little off balance, prevents that kind of harsh certainty that is part of eventually rigid positions. So read lots. But more significant to seek Him."

In Zach Braff's movie The Last Kiss one of the characters, after reaching a frustration with the selfishness of Braff's character says this:
"What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you love. That's what matters. That's the only thing that counts."

Sometimes i find myself reading books and they make me feel a certain way. They make me feel passionate about problems in Africa, enraged by the American government or materialistic people or affluence, cynical about manufactured Christianity, or various political or religious ideas. I feel it, it wells up within me.
And yet....after I have read the book I go to another and even though i have some great quotes or thoughts for the next conversation I have with someone, I will have very little to show in my actions that their words really affected me.

I can talk for hours with people about issues, thoughts, etc. But after a while I begin to look foolish because my life does not reflect these things I am so passionate about.

So the question is today: are you talking and not changing? are the glorious words you find on those pages penetrating your world and actually changing who you are? or are they just put into your brain and causing you to only feel things rather than do something?

Please read. It's important. And talk about it, talk about it lots. Form groups to talk, write e-mails, call people to talk. But allow it to change you.

There seems to be little point in reading with no change, to be moved emotionally but not get our legs in order to actually move forward. seems better to read one book and allow it to change how we live, how we spend our money, how we look at people, than to read thousands and stay where we are.

Better to not talk or share our lofty ideas, then to share them and never be changed, to talk about them and never have anything different. Seems like a work of evil to sit around and discuss these things we read, while Lazarus waits at the gate of our homes, waiting to eat the crumbs of our table.

Lego

Last night I went and tried out my friends Tim and Shelly's church. It's all hip and cool because it's on Saturday nights. Tim and Shelly have four boys that I have played lego with a few times while visiting their house.

I was sitting looking after Jessie during the service. Jessie is four years old. While the pastor was praying Jessie tugged on my arm and said,
"Are you coming to my house after church?"
Me: "No, I Don't think so." (because I hadn't been invited or whatever)
Jessie: "Why not?"
Me: "Well I think I might just go home."
Jessie: "You haven't been to my house in a long time. I miss you."
Me: "Well I was there the other night but you were asleep."
Jessie: "Why did you come when I was asleep, I'm not allowed to play lego when I'm asleep."

That was the whole conversation because we were supposed to be praying. But I thought to myself that that is a little snippet of what church is supposed to be. Jessie wasn't embarrassed to say he missed me or to persist that I spend sometime with him. He just genuinely wanted to play some lego. No one made him say it, he meant it. And he wasn't overwhelming or anything, he just wanted to play because he likes me. I didn't feel like playing lego with him would "take" anything from me, it would just be playing. I haven't played with people in a long time.

It made me feel loved inside. It made the new church not feel as awkward. And even though life is weird right now, I know that i have an open ended invitation to a date with a four year old to play star wars lego and visit his guinea pig.

Compost

I often find myself looking for tangible things to make sense of the jumble of feelings and thoughts I have inside. It helps me to analyze things, which I agree, I do too much of. Anyway, this week I found myself thinking about composts... riveting I know. Don't stop reading quite yet.

I have often trudged out to the compost to dispose of that weeks organic waste in my home. It's kept out at the back of our yard, behind a tree, broken bricks are at its feet and one lone pitch fork at its side.

I brace myself, pull back the lid and fruit flies spill out everywhere. I try and control my gag reflex, toughen up and dump the compost in the pile of decaying "stuff". There's brown, oozing lettuce from a few weeks ago, shriveled green grapefruit carcasses that houses a small yellow and black bug, trampled flowers, strawberries who have developed white, fuzzy, and molded caps.

It is not the place where I would choose to spend much time, it's full of all the things we don't want anymore. Each item in a compost has served its purpose and now has been thrown in the back yard for it to live out the rest of its life being eaten and decomposed by millions of little bugs, squirming and sliming their way about. When I am done, and the new items have been placed in the compost I place the lid back on, trap the fruit flies inside and no longer have to think about it.

There are things in life that we carry deep inside, or sometimes very close to the surface, that feel as though they are decomposing our souls. Things like hatred, hurt, and anger. Like some awful little bug has come and housed our very being. At first it is contained to our thoughts or feelings, then slowly it burrows and leaves it's trail behind it, tainting every moment of our day.

You cannot deny it is there and you can feel it creeping through your mind. at somepoint you will need to talk about it, and then when you do you realize how much of yourself it has begun to destroy. I find that it makes me feel nauseous because it's such an awful thing to feel towards another human being or a situation in life.

And sometimes I feel like a compost. bracing myself to take the lid off, I look inside and dump my death into it. And the longer it stays, the grosser it looks, the more uniform all those thoughts become. A large lump of decaying matter.

Composting takes time and slowly those little insects and worms break down all that they find, slowly it changes, and the hands of time gently soften the harder things in life.

In the end though, we are left with a fertile bit of dirt that has no memory of what it was before, that shows no evidence of grapefruit or lettuce, just dirt. and with this dirt we are able to start again.

This death that has housed itself within me greatly saddens me and the amount of time it takes for things to change and heal seems so long. However, there is hope, even in the death of nature, there is hope. It seems that the only way to life is through death and then resurrection.