E-I-E-I-O

When I was a kid I remember thinking my grandpa was the most amazing person I knew because he could take a hand-full of sunflower seeds and somehow only spit out the shells afterwards, and in remarkably fast time. I couldn’t figure it out because they just tasted gross when I chewed them up in my mouth. And I loved watching his hands while he worked or drove the tractor. They are rough, thick farmer hands that know how to work and have seen many hours of sun and cold. I loved them.

I got to spend a little time at the farm yesterday and made a trip to the hayloft with my cousins. The farm is a strange place in some ways. Right near the entrance of the barn we met with several remnants of sheep that had been butchered and an entire cow head. It was strange to see it and realize that it was real, not some Hollywood replica. And then of course the farm dog comes over and starts eating the head right in front of us. Sigh…nature at its best.

In the hayloft there is a rope tied to the ceiling and you can climb up on some hay bales, put your foot in the loop at the end and swing across the hayloft. I have been doing this same thing my entire life although now I might be just a little bit taller. And while I was swinging yesterday I realized how lucky I was to have a place in life that has not changed over the last 23 years. The feeling of the air pulling my hair across my face or the smell of the air as I swing through it is exactly how I remember it.

Not many people have a place that has stayed so constant and dependable in their life. Almost everything else in life changes. But the farm is a place where I can go and know that the concrete basement floor will still be that same cool on my feet, that the front deck will still smell the same in the heat of the sun, and that the sheets will smell and feel the same as I lie down to go to sleep. It's safe somehow and I like that.

The memories I have from growing up at the farm were formed in a time when I didn't know bad things could happen, before anything in life went wrong or got messed up and they're beautiful memories. Being pulled on a sled behind a tractor through snowy fields and hanging on for dear life, sleeping summer nights in the hayloft and building forts. I think I will sleep one night in the hayloft this summer.

I often have these moments where I feel for a second that everything is going to be okay, that things will sort themselves out, that someone is in control and I don't need to worry. I had one of those moments yesterday.

I have been wrestling for a while with this feeling that I don't know who I am anymore or something, not comfortable in my own skin. But for a moment while swinging on that rope I felt like I knew where I had come from and that this is who I was and that it’s okay to be this.

I know that change is inevitable and that change is a good thing many times. But I relished the moment of being in a place where everything was familiar. I felt peaceful and I didn't want to leave.

I hope that i can become this for someone else. i'm okay with change but i like the idea of being constant or creating somewhere constant for other people.