I have a tendency to hold on to things, to hope that things will work out, to have faith that things can sort themselves out over time -sometimes even in the face of insurmountable odds.
I have a hard time acting if my feelings don't agree and there was undeniable hope inside me that said after some time this would all work out. I even thought that it was from God at points. So I fool-heartedly held on.
I have recently realized that the thing I was tightly holding on to doesn't even exist anymore. I thought it did but somewhere in all my hope I stopped living in reality and missed the signs I guess.
And so...the time to move on is now I guess. I can't really hold onto something that is non existent now can I?
I have been tainted by the movie culture of our time because I want something to chase after me as I leave, to tell me to stay, to tell me not to go. Some sign from God, something...but I don't think that's going to happen.
I have a hard time with surrender and sometimes it seems that I cannot always trust God with the most precious thing, although i really want to. I think I have learned and am learning to trust him. to trust that he knows what is going on and where I am headed even though i do not.
Robert Frost says, "There is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go."
So here I go, this is me reluctantly moving on. It is weird to do something against what my heart tells me, but it seems there is no other real option. Most people would say I am way past my time of departure.
"Now at last I am beginning Chapter One of the great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before." (C.S Lewis, The Last Battle) I hope this is true.
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