June is upon me in full swing and I'm feeling it....oh am I feeling it. It's exhausting but I know I will survive. I have survived things like this before.
I have been thinking about next year and what I should be doing, throwing around all these ideas of options. I used to be really into planning out everything, knowing everything I would be doing, knowing exactly where I would be in a few months and now.....well I don't know.
I don't know what I should be doing next year and I'm not even sure I necessarily care. I mean I do in someways, and I'm sure I will do something useful and good but in all honesty I'm feeling like it isn't in my hands. Is that too apathetic? Or is that good acceptance of the reality that I'm not in control?
At this point if you asked me what I wanted to be doing next year I might say that I want to sit by a fire and read, with a pair of wool socks in some cabin on Vancouver Island overlooking the stormy ocean. I just want to sit somewhere with no big school stuff pressing on me. Is it wrong to just want to not work next year? Just sub and have some fun? Should I want to settle down into a career? Is it a bad career move to take a year off next year? (I don't like thinking about career moves, sounds too old for me)
And then I think, maybe I don't really want to be a teacher, as much as I enjoy being a teacher right now. Or maybe I'm afraid of settling down and committing to something.
I think perhaps what I really want is......a break. Life is just a little too much sometimes, a little too busy and it seems that there are always things to care about, things to be on top of, people to call and to care about, people who I want to learn from, books I want to read and movies I want to watch. You know sometimes I don't see someone for three weeks or three months and I haven't even noticed. And that's awful and it's not that there are unimportant to me but rather that life is so full of stuff that I miss out on being consistent or dependable in their life. And that.......the belief that you cannot really rely on me for much is a very frustrating thing, because that is not the sort of person I want to be.
But the strange thing is that with all these questions in my mind I am not panicked but rather peaceful or nearing apathy. Things will come how they come and pieces will fall into place. And probably I am just really weary without a break insight for at least another week.
3 comments:
i don't think taking a year off and doing nothing would be a bad thing at all. i would envy you. it might even restore a passion for things missed.
let's move to the coast for a year!
carmen: i am in. excellent idea.
david: i agree, a year subbing might remind me that i actually want a class of my own despite the insanity that will ensue as a full time teacher.
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