Lights and Perfections

(Pre-Script: Urim and Thummin translate as Lights and Perfections)

Decisions area beastly things. I find them hard to make.

I said in my last blog that I'm not an impulse buyer. I have a theory that the manner in which people shop is a reflection of their decision making personality in the rest of life, especially in relationships. I will think about things for a long time, and sometimes buy them, return them and then buy them again...if it's still there when i go back. I keep receipts for a long time just in case something goes wrong. I am cautious and not impulsive. Somewhere I began to question my own judgment, not really sure why but I like to be able to talk through things with someone, have a sounding board.

I made my decision from the other day. I decided to stay on for another five months at my school. maybe it doesn't seem like a big decision to other people but it was for me. i felt exhausted after making that decision by myself. I felt pretty uneasy after I said I would stay but i think i'm okay with it now. maybe it was partially the coffee i drank. it does weird things to me.

I think I always figure that the hardest thing is the right decision. That whatever might be the most difficult is always the right thing. But here's a question: what if it isn't? There are times when I have chosen the harder side of things and still don't know if it was the right thing to do. I mean I'm still alive and kicking but no real answer either way. And then times when I wish I had had enough guts to make the hard decision instead of wallowing in indecisiveness for so long.

Maybe the reality is this. Maybe there are very few bad decisions. I mean if something isn't God honoring or is destructive to yourself or another human being than it is probably a bad decision. But beyond that, maybe there are very few wrong decisions. I don't know. I hope big decisions I have made in the past were okay. I can't go back and fix them now, fortunately or unfortunately. God can work in any moment and in anything, so now I guess I ask him where we go from here. Ask him to keep my eyes open for the evidence of him on this next little path.

I think one bit of resolution that I have from thinking about decisions and decision making, is that I have to trust that if I made the wrong decision or made a bad move even though I prayed about it and such, that God is big enough to take care of it and to fix it, if it needs to be fixed. I have a hard time trusting that, but I have to believe in that. He is big enough.