There are so many things that go unsaid in movies. And I find this excruciating. I realized just how difficult I find this when I was watching Music and Lyrics last night. (I liked the film but that is besides the point). I made this realization during the classic romantic/comedy moment when the lovers have separated over some argument or stubbornness, and the music plays while they show several scenes of them listlessly trying to piece their lives together without the other.

You see in movies the girl or boy always walks away before the person can wrap their toungue around whatever they were going to say, or there is some miscommunication that causes the lovers to separate and if they just called each other up and said what they were thinking it would all be sorted out. But instead they sit by windows as it rains and drink coffee in a catatonic state.

I loathe things going unsaid. I think it is why I hate the OC and those sorts of shows, so many things not communicated, people don't say what really happened or what they're really thinking. Arrrrggghhhh. I mean, although I love the Office, the entire Jim and Pam thing is based around people not saying what they should and Pam just not owning up to the fact that she loves Jim.

And these parts in movies are even more unbearable is that the reality of things going unsaid resonates deeply within me. Those things that I wish i had said to that person several years ago or that i wish even now I had the guts or wisdom to say. You know what i mean? When you just didn't say what you were actually thinking, when I acted in my better judgement and was not completely honest, when I tried to separate myself from my feelings and make the decision I thought I "should" make.

My mother, bless her soul, always tells me that I should start living what I WANT to do and not what I SHOULD do. but it's hard to get out of that habit because I have lived the way i thought I SHOULD for so long. However, in that time i think i have let some people go that i shouldn't have, and kept others when they were obviously bad for me. And I'm not just talking romantic here.

But I sometimes i think...if i left myself to what I wanted we would be in a sad state because I am a person who struggles with my flesh. sometimes it feels like i do the opposite of what I want to do because I don't trust my own judgement on what is good and right.

C.S. Lewis writes the following passages "We have been like bathers who want to keep their feet - or one foot- or one toe- on the bottom, when to lose that foothold would be to surrender themselves to a glorious tumble in the surf."

Perhaps I need to let go a little bit, trust that doing what I want could actually be a giving of God's glorious freedom to me, and not live in this guilt and "should" mentality.

As to what becomes of the things that have gone unsaid between me and other people, I am not sure. I do not yet possess the wisdom to reconcile those situations and have some sense that time will continue to give me that wisdom. I hope.

For now, I will try and lift my feet off the ocean floor and surrender myself to the surf.