My eyes are dim I cannot see

I have recently read the story of Jesus and the adulterous woman in John 8, the one he does not condemn and then about Jesus washing his disciples feet a few chapters later. And normally when we read about washing feet we are told that we need to be that type of person, willing to do whatever for someone else. And the story about the women teaches us we should extend grace to everyone and that we are not to be ones who condemn. But I have been thinking about it in a little bit of a different way.

Last night as I was thinking about my day, I was struck by the thought that Jesus looks at me with that same compassion as he looked at that woman with. That he see me fresh from my sinful act, shameful in my sin and looks at me the same way. It was really moving to think about, maybe this is just the first time I had begun to get that story. I'm not really sure.

And then with Jesus washing his disciples feet I thought, this isn't just something jesus does for his disciples but something he wants to do for me. Jesus is okay with dealing with the grimiest part of me and he wants to do it. He wants to make me clean from these gross things. Letting someone wash or touch your feet is a humbling experience, it's a part of me that I'm used to dealing with myself. But Jesus wants to deal with that part of me. The stuff that I don't want to tell him about, the stuff I want to hide away, the stuff in my past that I'm sure is unforgiveable. The millions of ways I have screwed up and hurt other people and myself. He wants me to let him deal with it and take it away, it's not up to me to have to deal with it anymore, to clean it up myself. I need him to do it for me.

Recently I have been thinking that it would be easier to have the judgement for my sin, so that I might learn my lesson. It seems easier to accept punishment as opposed to forgiveness, grace, and mercy. Of course I don't want to be accept the punishment due my acts but grace can be so hard to swallow. I don't deserve it. But I don't think that God wants us to go around taking penance for our sin after we hav asked him for forgiveness, dragging our broken pasts around with us. He wants us to be free from it, he has forgiven it and we have to live like we are free.

I love that scene from "The Mission" where Robert De Niro's charater drags that weight up the mountain with him and finally someone cuts it off for him and he is free.

I want to be a person that looks at everyone with the same compassion Jesus looks at the woman with. Even the people who I think should know better, the ones who claim to know God and frustrate me. But more importantly I want to be able to let the reality of God's compassion penetrate my heart, soften it and allow him to continue to wash my feet, every day if that's how it has to be. I like to hope that with him I might be able to overcome some of these sins in my life, but if not I want to accept his love and forgiveness and learn to extend that to others. I want to see the world through his eyes but I also have to learn to see myself through his eyes which seems equally difficult.